PATCHOULI
When I received that text message from Wolfram, I already knew I had to prepare myself. This was the talk that I had been waiting for. Iyong makakausap ko siya nang maayos at maliwanagan ako.
I went out of our room and saw Wolfram. He was wearing a black sweater and black shorts. His hair was a bit messy, maybe because he just got out of bed. He was looking at the floor and when he heard my footsteps, he looked up.
Our eyes met. The feeling was different. It was more of longing and pain than excitement of seeing him. Hindi na gaya ng dati na sobrang excited ako tuwing magkikita kami.
Nauna akong maglakad sa kaniya and he followed me until we reached the shore. The ocean breeze is a but cold and it was a bit windy. I sat on the sand. My eyes were on the dark waters and it illuminated the light of the bright moon. Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi ni Wolfram sa akin. I hugged my knees closer to my chest and heaved a deep sigh.
"Nalulungkot ako." panimula ko. I felt his eyes on me as I started speaking. " Noong umalis ka, iniisip ko kung ano ba iyong pagkukulang ko sa ating relasyon. It made me think that I wasn't enough for you to stay."
" Patch.." he called my name. Umiling ako at nilingon siya.
" Patapusin mo muna akom Please give me this moment to speak up." pakiusap ko sa kaniya. He swallowed hard as he stared at me deeply. Tumango siya at nilingon ang dagat.
" You left me confused and broken. Hindi mo alam kung ano iyong epekto ng pag-iwan mo sa akin, Wolde. Ang hirap mabuhay kasi nasanay ako na nandyan ka sa tabi ko. And when you left all of a sudden, it made me think that I was not important to you."
Umihip ang malakas na hangin at mas lalo kong niyakap ang aking sarili. I started tearing up when I remembered those days that I felt lost. Palaging tulala at umiiyak. It lasted for months because I couldn't get over the fact that he left me and made me think that he doesn't love me enough for him to choose me.
Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap sa akin ni Wolfe. Mas lalo akong napaiyak at ibinaon ang mukha sa aking tuhod. The warmth he was giving me felt nostalgic.
" I'm sorry, Patch." he whispered. There was sadness in his voice.
" Iniwan mo ako, Wolfe. Hindi mo ba naisip kung gaano kasakit sa akin iyon? Padalos-dalos ang desisyon mo. You didn't give yourself a choice. You didn't give our relationship a chance. Walang alternatives. You just ended us. I thought you love me. Because if you really love me, you'd think of ways for us to work out. We'll try long distance relationship although the chances of breaking up is high, we should still try. But what did you do? Sinara mo lahat ng posibilidad. You just can't leave your partner in the shadows, Wolfe. That doesn't work out that way."
" I'm sorry." he apologized once again. I became silent because I am giving him the chance to hear his story. His side that I had been wanting to hear. We were apart for years and with no communication. Kahit ito lang naman, sana maipaliwanag niya sa akin ang dahilan.
" I didn't want to leave you but Abuelo was adamant to send me to Spain. I had no plans in life unlike Titus. You all have plans while I was left with no decisions in life, at all. Siguro hindi mo ako maiintindihan pero iniisip kong tama talaga si Abuelo. Pariwara ako. You may look at me as the good guy but I was always the stubborn one. Abuelo sent me to Spain to learn my lesson and to prove myself. Ginawa ko iyon para sa sarili ko. You may call me selfish, Patch, but I don't really mind." ngumiti siya sa akin. Suminghot ako at mas lalong sumakit ang puso dahil sa kaniyang boses.
" It was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Leaving you might hurt the both of us but it's for our own good. You were too dependent on me. You can't even stand on your own. I was always your savior. Kaya noong umalis ako, naisip ko na baka iyon na iyong oras para patunayan mo ang sarili mo sa lahat. I always knew you'd be brave someday."
" Sinaktan mo ako." paratang ko pa rin.
Malungkot siyang ngumiti. " Yes, I did. And I am deeply sorry."
" Mahal mo pa ba ako?" tanong ko.
" Yes, of course." he smiled tenderly. " Hindi naman mawawala ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo…"
" I love you too, Wolfe." sambit ko. I was expecting a spark from saying those words but I found none.
Wolfe's lips parted but then he eventually smiled. " You don't mean that." aniya.
Naningkit ang aking mga mata. " How could you say so?"
" Your eyes widened a fraction. Parang nagulat ka. It shouldn't be your reaction."
" Guni-guni mo lang iyon." tanggi ko.
" Hindi mo na ako mahal, Patchouli."
" Mahal nga kita! Hanggang ngayon, ikaw pa rin." giit ko.
He kept shaking his head and was smiling. As if it didn't bother him. " No, you don't. Try convincing yourself."
" Can I just kiss you?" tanong ko bigla. His eyes widened.
" Please?" I pleaded. I was really bothered. There was no familiar fast thumping in my heart. In fact it was at ease right now. Kahit iyong makukulit na paru-paro sa tiyan, hindi ko rin maramdaman.
I cupped Wolfe's cheeks. His eyes widened more. Agad niyang iniwas ang tingin sa akin. " You're making a wrong decision, Patchouli." he warned.
" Alam ko ang ginagawa ko. I just really needed to do this."
" Why?"
" Basta." I told him and caught him off guard by planting my lips on his.
There was no familiar spark.
None.
And it bothered me because I realized I wasn't really angry because of what Wolfe did. I was angry about my feelings dahil hindi ko matanggap na hindi na siya ang pinagkakaabalahan ng isip at puso ko.
