Broken Strings

If It's Not You

Then as my wedding days comes nearer, my anxiety only heightens. I was suffocated with my own bubbles that lead me to the unavoidable; finally I broke down.  It was so unbearable that I was already at the end of my wit. I am losing my sanity and so I decided to cut ties with everything. The same thing that Beam does,  I made myself disappear without leaving a single clue even with my bestfriend Lam.  I needed time , away from all the burdens I have on my shoulder; career and family.

Those times, I really felt how doomed I am without Beam. I don't know how I survived those days, I don't even remember much of those times, since most of it, I am not even sober.  I am a useless piece of junk until I find comfort on drawing and designing houses. Each masterpiece I made it according to Beam's liking, I imagine it as our home. Then slowly I start to  recover from my drowning self.
I made my move, I hired people  to give me informations of Beam's   whereabout. It was hard, I discovered Beam joined a non profit organization  heavily dispatched on slum and rural areas around South East Asia. I also discovered that Beam even make sure to use an English name as an alias and is now using his mother surname than of his father. From time to time I  only received small informations . Sometimes it would take months before I can received new news from Beam.  But my  cash is running low, I have been out of work in more than a year and I refused to used my earnings while working under my family's company.  Also I cannot used my other bank accounts because I knew Lam is wise enough to monitor any bank withdrawal that I have . No I don't want to be found yet.  Lam has too much on his plate, fixing the troubles I made without proper endorsement.
Though I know, I was acting like an asshole, I choose not to disclose my whereabouts to Lam, I cannot helped it, everytime I see Lam, I am reminded of Beam and how foolish I am.

And so without him knowing, I contacted our close friend Max who shows great interest in House architecture even when we are still in college.   I accepted that with Max knowing my business proposal means his partner  Tul will also come into the picture. I have no doubt with them, both are part of my closest friend. I was just glad that finally they both decided to settle down in Bangkok after being overseas for years. I know it was wrong for me to convinced them not to tell everything to Lam for now. I don't want them to feel guilty in hiding me from Lam, and yet I was glad they still undoubtedly question my decisions as  if we are still in college and I am still acting as their head hazer. I am glad that I have found loyals friends in them.

I made myself busy, my worked is only focused on designing houses while Max and Tul do the managing of other business related concerns.  Tul has decided to hire a few more set of people but still make sure that I can make myself anonymous and still stays at home for work, well I am hiding even with my own team.

Little by little I  am trying to get back on track. Using my time searching for the lost part of me. Though I know I can never be complete without Beam still I want to fix myself . Beam is doing his best somewhere and I don't want to lose face to him. Worthy or not, I don't want to embarrassed myself in front of Beam, if we ever saw each other again. At the worst scenario I can think of, at least I don't want to feel so small if indeed Beam introduces someone to me later as his better half. 

I will love only Beam in this lifetime. That is something I have proven after years of separation from Beam. I can only love Beam and I will continue to love him even being apart from him. Maybe I have to do it secretly too, because the last time I am informed that Beam is indeed in a relationship. A girl he met doing volunteer works as a doctor.  I can only accept it, because I only wished for the best for Beam.  I don't mind silencing my cries, if it means blessing Beam the happiness he deserves. Happiness that I failed to give to him.

But maybe fate is really toying with me. Just when I am about to give up the idea of Beam and me. A friend to me that he saw Beam boarding the plane back here in Bangkok. My calm nerves are back into chaos, after endless fighting with myself, I end up still getting the information and do endless stalking to Beam until finally I was caught.

My endless practiced scenarios are thrown into the bin. I just discovered that he is now a father to an adorable child. That fact is not one of those scenarios he failed to consider. Honestly I thought of having Kids with Beam, infact  that was both their future dreams  and so to know that Beam is finally having one but not with him is another blow to him. Still he have no choice but to accept another variable added into the equation. He love Beam and is he is willing to undergo another hell to be back again with him, but that was before Fah . He definitely knows that the trouble he might give Beam will also affect the life of that poor Angel.

But Phana's constant hint at him had made him change his mind. Yes its Phana, Forth's hidden and unexpected accomplice. Phana indeed throws him a hundred punches when he broke up with Beam. Forth understand that it was his fault and so he just receives everything without fighting back.  But Phana is a sensible man more than anything.  He hinted at me when he told me that Beam is a free man and mentioned on how he wishes to see uncaring Beam again.   Then there's Lam who I finally decided to see again, Lam declared his support to me even being an asshole. And so with the remaining luck I have in my life,  I decided to chase Beam again. I am scared not for me but of possibly hurting Beam this time once more .

Though I am working to make myself worthy again for Beam but honestly I'm still far from being good enough, but  I don't want to wait for some  time more, because I wasted enough time  already.  I don't know why I have this feeling  that Beam may still love me. And that the break up I have with him was just a paused that we both needed but is only temporary.
I don't know where this gut feel is coming and yet it give me hope and courage. Maybe  because I  still cling to Beam's word when he told me that part of him will always  love me. 

I want to claim that love fully again, because finally I understand what part of me got lost when I accepted Beam's declaration of breaking up.
I Forth Jaturapoom has lost faith with myself.  I Forth Jaturapoom has lost unmatched confident that I can make Beam happy.  I remember having that confidence in our earlier year  as boyfriends. I remember how I proven myself worthy to let Beam finally settled with me as a boyfriend even being his chick magnet title. Beam has a lot of options and yet he chooses to be with me . Beam has that confidence in me before that I am better than everyone.  It was my fault. I give up on myself  and that made  Beam also give up on me.

I promise to be wiser this time, because this is my last shot . No I cannot lose Beam this time, that would surely be the end of me.

A/N:

Forgive the grammar and typos, sometimes I am just too lazy to check.🐷

Photos credited to the original uploader or whoever owns it.🐷