Broken Strings

If It's Not You

Lam my bestfriend has laid every facts to me. In conclusion, I can only agree that I am an absolute useless boyfriend. With all these crazy events happening to me, not once did I prioritize Beam.  The once almighty  head hazer Forth Jaturapoom has become a complete puppet of society and of his family.  One mistakes to another, finally I have acknowledge that my relationship with Beam has pass beyond repair.  I cannot even brought my self to asked for redemption. The damaged is too deep , I felt Beam doesn't deserved to be with some coward like me.

What can I even do? I cannot even promised anything to Beam  or worst be a jerk to make him wait for something uncertain.

I don't even have the luxury to think of my own happiness. I can only take one step at a time, and my Dad need urgent attention.

And so the break up happens.  I have no time to cry, I have  to personally handle my family business. The news of my Dad having health problem has created company  confidence issues with our suppliers and partners. I was    put to regain their trusts to the company.  Again I was to put to test by showing to them that I am more than just a celebrity, that I can do industrial job too as an engineer and heir of Jaturapoom lines of businesses. I busied myself  like a slave, more hectic than when I do some acting or music promotions.

Then one of those crazy days, Lam told me Beam has left the country  . This time, even his friends can't tell where Beam is going or  for how long  will he be gone this time.

I remember myself being totally broken that day. I remained seated on my office, doing nothing for hours.
In my conscious mind, I am hoping, that maybe after months and I can finally secure that Dad is fully recovered, I will try my chance again to gain his approval with my relationship with Beam.  A small hope that has become my strength to  still wake up and do my work regardless of how dreaded and hated I feel about it.  But that small hope I have been dreaming  is shattered with the news of Beam being gone.

Beam being gone, drowned with with another conclusion; Beam has really decided to cut ties with me .
That realization  more than anything that has happen so far with my life is the hardest.  That very day Forth Jaturapoom died.  
 

If killing is not a sin, maybe I have killed myself on that very same day. It felt that death is way more easier than to be totally separated with Beam. I thought that even with the break up  at least I can see Beam secretly  if things get to much to for me and so those hopes disappear the moment I heard of his leave.

With lurking hopelessness I experienced at that time, I did not even say much when Dad tried setting up a marriage with me. I only thought  why not played my role as a filial son to the fullest? Since I have lost my   hope to have a happy future anyways. Whoever I end up with is really not important, if it's not Beam then all are the same.  I have totally given up life and so I just accepted everything.

Surrendering  to failure is my initial reaction to those crazy events in my life. But  as days past by, my longing for Beam has created another wave of turmoil. I start to hate, not just life,  but  everyone around me, most especially my Father. But nothing beats how I hated myself. I become my own enemy.

I hated my Dad and his schemes. I even hated how my family received Dad's order as if it's okay to dispose Beam that easily, when Beam only showed them kindness. But then I remembered, the biggest perpetrator is me. I am the one who did not even fight for Beam.

But life at that time for me is really cruel, I hated my Dad and the rest of my family too much and yet I am not allowed to treat them bad. It would only mean wasting our effort in saving Dad's life months ago. Dad almost did not make it on the operating table. As much as I want to be angry and shout at him with all my  energy I know its of no use.  The damaged is done; Beam is gone without a trace.  Besides my logical self always knew that Dad only played a small part of the break up, it was my incompetent self that lead me into this mess.