I See The Light

Chapter 1- Logan Chapman

My mind and my body are constantly at war. Humans are born with the instinct to fight, while my mind always tells me I need to die. Every day I go to bed hoping I will not rise, but every morning my eyes open and I have to go through another day of forcing smiles and faking laughs. It's hard to fake it all of the time. I wish it could all go away. I want it to all go away. I've tried many times, but I always get "lucky." I don't think of it that way. I believe I'm being punished for trying to get to a better place before it's my turn. 

Every time,  it's always the same process. Attempt, hospitalise, pity, lie, repeat. I couldn't tell you exactly when this became my life, but it was somewhere around the sixth grade. My best friend Ryder made the basketball team and I hadn't. From then on, he was always with the cool kids, and I, well I was deemed a loser. My best friend of four years had joined a new group, and worst of all, that group became my nightmare. Day after day they would bully me to the point that I would sit in the office and cry until my mom would have to come and pick me up. 

By the eighth grade, I already had three suicide attempts under my belt. It wasn't exactly Ryder's fault, or even his friends'. Adults don't respond to problems like this until it's too late. It started out as a cut. I just wanted to see how it would feel, and it felt horrible. I couldn't understand how people did that to themselves, but eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I just went for it. I ended up in the hospital that night and I felt so ashamed.

Now, I'm so close to graduating. I have two weeks left with these jerks before they're out of my life forever. Better yet, I haven't had an attempt in almost four months. Ever since I've been accepted into UCLA, the thought hasn't even crossed my mind. 

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Coming in on the last week before exams was always stressful, especially for graduates. Everyone was trying to make the best of their final experiences while also studying like crazy. Fortunately, I was not welcome at parties nor did I have very many friends to party with, so I could spend all my time preparing. 

I had decided that for this whole week, I would be eating in the cafeteria. I've only ever eaten in there once in my freshman year, but that soon ended after Ryder and his gang poured their drinks on me. It was so embarrassing and cruel. From then on, I was always made fun of whenever I entered there, but I didn't care anymore. 

I entered the caf and everyone was staring at me. And I mean everyone. Suddenly I felt like a deer in the headlights, but I proceeded to sit at an empty table near the back. There was a bunch of murmurs which I thought were just about the incident, but it was so much worse. I was sitting at Ryder's table. I heard a loud voice behind me asking what I was doing but I was frozen. Of course, this brought some laughs from onlookers. 

I went to stand up but the big one, Johnny, pushed me back into my seat. I was terrified. How could I have been so stupid? The golden rule for losers in the cafeteria is to never sit at an empty table, you sit in an empty seat at the end of a table. I was expecting a beating, or food dumped on me, but Ryder just got up nice and close to my face and said "I'm tired of this game. I never want to see you again. You make me sick."

I was in shock. We hadn't been friends for years but I never expected him to say that. He usually just makes fun of me, but I could tell he meant it. I nodded and ran off. 

The rest of the day was spent in the bathroom writing letters to loved ones explaining why I would soon be gone. I didn't want to throw Ryder under the bus so I just said "due to complications in society." It was lame, I know, but I wasn't a tattletale. I felt sick knowing how close I was to finally being free and moving hours away from here, but what Ryder says, goes. If he wanted me gone, I was gone.

I know I could've just run away but at least a dead body is easier for my family to take in than not knowing if I'm still out there lost. I knew my sister was going to take it the hardest. She dropped out of school at the end of tenth grade to help our grandparents. It took months of convincing but our parents finally caved as long as she did some work online. I asked if I could do that too but I wasn't even in high school at the time. 

The bell rang and I ran out of the building in record time. I got home as quickly as possible and stashed my notes in my drawer. Someone would surely find them there. I had written a location on the inside of the envelopes so the search wouldn't be as long, but I hadn't made it obvious. I wanted to make sure I would be dead before I would be found.

I started to run towards the nearest bridge. I've jumped off it before so I would have no problem doing it again. The entire time I just kept telling myself it's like flying. The air hugs you until the ground does. You fall until you splat. The pain will only last a second and then it's done for good. I knew that last one was a lie. Maybe my pain would be over, but this adds more pain to everyone I care about back on earth. 

I started to slow down so I didn't stick out as much, and it somewhat worked. I was a 17 year old boy walking down a busy street on his way to end it all and nobody even noticed. Well, almost nobody.

There was this girl, she was gorgeous, she saw me. I tried to ignore her but it was hard. She was walking towards me and suddenly I felt so self-conscious. 

"Hey, where are you going?" I couldn't tell if this was meant in a threatening way or if she was genuinely curious.

"Why do you care?" I felt really bad, I was so rude when all she had done was ask a simple question.

"Well you have this panicked look on your face, you're walking at a very suspicious pace, and you have a dangerous look in your eyes, which is oddly attractive by the way. I'm also very nosy and would like to know." I should've kept running. She wouldn't have caught up as easily, or she wouldn't have even tried. Either way I was fine. 

"I'm just going for a walk. Don't worry about it." I didn't feel like talking. It was just delaying what had to happen.

"Mind if I join you?" There was a part of me that wanted to just run, but I always do that. I decided to be mature and let her down easy.

"I'd really rather be alone, sorry." She didn't seem affected by this at all. Maybe I wasn't that important.

"Okay, I guess I'll see you around-" She stared at me for a moment and I started to panic, "This is the part where you tell me your name."

"Oh, right. I'm Logan." I went to shake her hand but instantly regretted it. "And you are?"

"Bella." She extended her arm out in front of her and I shook her hand. 

"See you around, Bella." I felt so relieved once that was over.

I started running as soon as she started to walk away. I didn't even bother looking back. I wanted nothing to do with anything. I was going to be dead soon and that was all that mattered.

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When I got to the bridge, I tried to make it as quick as possible. I took a couple deep breaths before I started to stand on the railing. I heard footsteps coming in behind me followed by Bella screaming my name. I wanted to tune her out. I needed to tune her out. 

"I'm sorry." I stepped off the edge and into the air. The air going against my body. I felt free, I always do when I'm falling. I could hear Bella screaming my name. I don't understand why she followed me, it kind of angered me. 

I heard her scream one last time before everything went silent and I was surrounded by darkness.