Vast Pathways || l.h.

Chapter 1

Only 10 more minutes till the bell rings and the day is over. 10 more. Focus. It's getting harder and harder to focus. The thoughts of that night are coming back. You know what fuck it. I'm done with this class. I get up walk to my teacher and tell him I have to go to the bathroom and leave.

When I get to my car I decide not even to go home because my dad has today off. I love my dad but he is just annoying he thinks I'm depressed. Yes, I may be depressed but in my defense I lost my mom only a year ago. I can barely think about that night. About 2 months after I was fully recovered my dad moved us out to a small town outside of Portland. We've been here for about 6 months now. Being from New Yory City it is quite a change but I love it. I love the outdoors and nature. Hiking is the only way to get my mind off what happened a year ago.

When I pull out of my thoughts I'm at my spot where I start my hike. Living in the middle of nowhere is actually really nice. There is not much noise and it's pretty calm. I get out of my Jeep Wrangler open the back door and get out my bag with my change of clothes in it. Considering no one was going to see me I changed out of my band shirt, and vans into a sweatshirt and some duck boots. I stay in my skinny jeans because I feel awkward with any other pants on. I pick up my hiking backpack and lock my car and start hiking.

I'm actually really happy that I don't live in New York anymore. When I think about my life back then I was really happy. But my life was also really boring an like everyone else. I had a lot of friends, a boyfriend. I played on the Varsity girls lacrosse team. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if the accident never happened. Would I still be dating Harry? Would I still have friends? Would my brother still be around? Would I still play Lacrosse? The night I broke up with Harry was probably the second hardest night of my life. When I broke up with him I practically broke up with my friends, Lacrosse and my whole life before the night of the accident. It was a week before I left New York.

"Holland come on talk to me again like you used to before your mom died. Before your life got turned upside down. Please Holland I love you and I can't stand seeing you like this," Harry says on the verge of tears. I hate when people say that. When they say 'your mom died' it's like someone is turning the knife that was stabbed into my heart 6 months ago deeper and deeper. He is right though I don't talk to him like I used to. I used to love him undeniably. But that's the thing I used to love him. "Please stop staring out that window and look at me."

"What do you want me to say to you? I don't like anything anymore. It's like I stopped living that day and now I'm just here walking around," I say yelling because this is the first time I've ever talked about this topic. "I don't want to be here anymore. I want to die."

"Don't say that." He says firmly to me.

"Why?! It's true! Everything is falling apart. My brother is moving to Denmark. My dad is making me move to somewhere in Oregon. I quit lacrosse. I lost my friends. And I'm going to lose you, too"

"You won't lose me. I'm going to be here every step forward. I love you so much Holland," he says calmly grabbing ahold of my hand

"That's the thing though," taking a deep breath I decide I'm going to say it I've got to. I have to end this right now. "I don't love you"

"You don't love me?" He says really confused ad shocked. I can't get anymore words out. So I shake my head. "But you used to say you did all the time. You said we were made for each other. You said you wanted to have a life with me."

"Harry be realalistic here. We are 17 years old. We don't know what we want. We don't know what God has planned for us. I wish I loved you. But I don't and I don't want you here when I'm gone in another state thinking of me. Wanting me back. I want you to find someone else. I want you to love someone who will love you back unconditionally. You need to live life. I will just drag you down," I say crying.

"No, no, please don't mean that," I look up into his beautiful green eyes. Those eyes are full of sadness that I would never in my life want to see.

"I'm so sorry"

"So we are done then? That's it?"

"Yes. I guess that's it. It's over." with those words I get out of his car and start walking up my driveway. When I turn around one last time he has his head on the steering wheel and looks like he is sobbing. It hurts more than you could ever imagine but I had to do it I couldn't lead him on anymore.

Those were the last words I spoke to him and the last time I saw him. Yes I didn't love him anymore but I still cared for him very much. When I get my spot on a cliff where I usually look out at the land and write in my journal I see some one already there. Considering I look like about to cry I try to walk away very quietly without the person knowing.

"Hey, wait up, who are you?"