Star Wars: The Forgotten Student

23.

The rest of that night, Anakin and I just spoke about everything and essentially caught up with each other about events that had happened in the three years I was on Tatooine.

He stayed with me that night; I asked him to stay. Nothing happened, but it was nice to have the company and feel secure for once. However, I knew the Jedi Code, so I knew that he shouldn't have stayed. Even if he was just comforting me and caring for me, I knew if this bond developed into attachment, it was at risk of leading to jealousy or fear of loss, something we had both been trained to stay away from.

However, I sensed that Anakin didn't feel the same way about me, he didn't explicitly say anything or make any hints, but I just had this feeling that there was someone in his life, whom he had become attached to and developed a strong bond with.

This was another thing keeping me from joining the Jedi Order again. I wanted the freedom, to have feelings, to feel affection and to love. I mean I didn't love Anakin...well...I didn't want to love him.

I was quite a mix of emotions, feeling things I had never felt before and experiencing emotions I didn't even know I had, some good and some bad.

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The next few days I spent mainly cooped up in my sleeping quarters, where I knew I was safe. But still, every night I was having the same terrible dreams, flashbacks to the torture chair. I would wake drenched in a cold sweat and panting heavily. I was starting to scare myself; how long was I going to feel like this and have these nightmares? When ever I tried to meditate and connect with the Force, my path would just be blocked by darkness and negative emotions.

Everyday, Markcol would come to see me, talk to me and make sure I was okay. He had already been accepted back and had his Jedi Knight status back. My brother wanted me to join back too, fight along side him once again. But I kept telling him that I didn't know if I was ready and that I was still considering it.

I had also been to see Master Windu a few times and spoke to him about everything I was feeling. Despite our falling out three years ago, he was still my Master, the one who trained me and helped me become the person I am now. We were able to put aside our differences and he really helped me deal with how I was feeling. It was almost like therapy sessions.

However, some of the other members of the Jedi Council didn't really trust me still. Some thought I was starting to be corrupted by the dark side. I remember, at one point I got so fed up of them all doubting me, that I spoke up in a burst of rage (not helping myself at all).

"Non of you have any idea what I went through, what the Separatists put me through. Hours upon days, upon weeks of nonstop suffering! They tortured me, yet you all sit there and expect me to act like nothing happened, put it all behind me like it was nothing! Even when I thought I was going to cave in, let my body give up and die in that chair, not once, not ever did I even think about the Dark Side! The Separatists tried to convert me, poison my mind with foolish lies and tall tales of great power, but I didn't listen to them. But yet again, you sit there, doubting me, misreading my anguish filled nightmares for hatred and aggression. But believe me I know the dangers of these raw emotions, I know what will become of hatred, fear and greed. I have been warned against them and trained to block them out almost my whole life! There was once a time where all of you had great faith in me, where you put great trust in me and made me feel important, as if I belonged! But now, you see me as weak and feeble minded. What changed? Why do you so suddenly lack courage with me?"
Not my proudest moment, but I'm pretty sure I got my point across.

In the days following my outburst, I was told that the Jedi Council were "reconsidering" their opinions on me, and were taking into account everything I had been through.