did you ever take a second to think what would happen to me if you made that choice?
did you even consider what it would do to me?
when you got in that car?
when you walked in that bar?
when you spent the night with her instead of me?
did you ever think what would happen to us?
did "we" ever matter to you?
why'd you let me think we did for so long?
you say you left so you wouldn't hurt me again, but that's all it did. i spend each night wondering what we would be like had i dropped each fight. for some reason i still don't feel alright.
"it'll pass" they said.
"it hurts now, but you'll get over it" they said.
"everyone looses their first love"
but i wasn't supposed to loose you. we had plans. we worked like i've never worked with someone before. and yes we had our problems and god did you treat me wrong, but for some reason... i still love you. after all you've done to hurt me, after months away with other people. i still love you. i've tried to convince myself i don't. but we know i do.
it's funny. when we fought, when i thought about you with her, i always wondered, do i love him? do i really love him? but i stayed despite my doubts. and that day you left. that day we fought and you left me broken and alone. i knew. i knew when i felt every fiber of my being panic from within, when i panicked more than i ever had over anyone else before. i ran everything through my head in those minutes. each and every moment we shared. everything i gave you. everything we went through together. every memory we made. i thought of any way i could possibly get you to stay. but... no matter how hard i tried to keep us together, you still pulled away.
and you say you loved me?
when you put me through that much pain?
you don't hurt the people you love that much. you don't continue to make their pain worse when you know you could make it better.
so why did you do it?
was it fun for you?
did you enjoy how much you hurt me?
did you enjoy how broken you made me?
each time i sobbed to you, begging you wouldn't leave me for her, was for nothing.
you had your trust issues, you still do.
but now you gave them to me too.
i trusted you. i gave you my all. i opened my heart to you when i was in an awful place and you knew it. you told me i would be safe with you, that you would help me?
and now when i think about it, i feel so, so stupid.
because if i has just stayed in bed that one day...
maybe i wouldn't be so broken.
maybe my life would be different.
but don't we always wonder what would change if one bad event never happened?
if that person didn't die, if that couple never broke up, if that addiction never started?
don't we always wonder?
if we made the other choice,
what would our life be like?
