Smile For Me, Always

:)

"Would you still be my friend if I smiled like this?" I remember her asking as she turned towards me with her lips curled inwards over her teeth. As usual, I said no with a straight face and we burst into laughter.

She tended to ask me questions like that, and though I always answered no, truly my answer was "Yes, always".

I really never understood how she stayed so happy, with a smile constantly on her face. I suppose she never let the hardships get to her as they got to me. One small mishap would have me staring at my feet and isolated for days. I couldn't figure out how to regulate my emotions like she could. I was always jealous of her ability to talk things out and find a solution for her problems. I lashed out, yelled and cried and hit. Sometimes towards her. Yet she was always patient with me, even when it got bad and she ended up more hurt than I had been.

I remember the nights our friendship almost ended. There were three. The three worst nights of my life. Of course, it was my fault our petty arguments had escalated. Like always, she kept her smile and that just made me angrier. Until I snapped and hit her deep, where it would really hurt. But the moment her smile faltered; barely noticeable to the untrained eye, I regret what I said and immediately backed off. Somehow she stayed with me, giving me time to cool off and let my anger out in a different way.

I guess in a way, my goal was to wipe the smile off her face forever. I faced perpetual annoyance with the fact she was always smiling, no matter how much I loved that smile deep down. The fact that she could do it and I couldn't, it wasn't fair in my mind. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, but she was the best and that's all I wanted for her. Even if what I did made sense in my twisted mind, and not in hers.

It was a split second decision. I was crying so late into the night it could be considered early morning at this point. My mind and body, in the middle of breaking down, agreed this was the only option. My sadness quickly forgotten, morphed into anger and jealousy. Her beautiful smile was the last thing on my mind, though now I realize it should've been the first. Maybe if it was, if I had stopped for a moment to think about it, I could see her smile again up close. But my emotions were running haywire, I can't remember what I was thinking or feeling in that moment. Just small snippets of consciousness before I slipped out completely. I do recall feeling guilty about dirtying my sheets, but I could envision them being thrown away soon after so it didn't matter too much.

When I woke up, I was overwhelmed with negative feelings. I looked for her first because she was always best at making the bad things good. But I couldn't see her anywhere. I was surrounded by the sounds of her sniffles and cries, getting louder by the second. I curled into myself to escape the great sadness I felt all around me but I couldn't get away. I hated myself for what I had done, my stupid decisions making everything worse. But at least I got what I wanted right? Now neither of us could smile again. It was fair now so I should be content.

I don't remember exactly when or how, but eventually I got to a place where I could be calm. I figured out how to ignore the negative screams in my head. Looking back at what I did, I don't regret it anymore. I still think it was for the best. I'm not holding her back anymore.

I'm appalled by the fact that I made it up here, but looking down at her, I know why. I'm privileged enough to see that after some time, she learned to smile again. It is not always as bright as it could be, but I think the lack of shine is because part of it made its way onto my face. Now I can always smile back, even if she can't see it just yet.