forest

i don't know why i feed on emotion, just something i was born with, i guess. i don't really know where it all began, my memory is sort of just a foggy mess of blurred colors, meshed together like a child's finger painting.

the stomach in my brain needs to be filled by something, a light i can't create myself. maybe that's why. i don't remember ever really feeling emotion of my own, it always comes from me pretending to feel like how other people feel. whenever i'm home i feel empty and lonely. when i'm with people, i am able to copy their emotions to make them seem as if they're my own.

i don't wanna be heard, i wanna be listened to. speaking isn't even speaking anymore. just spouting meaningless nonsense into the abyss that is other humans. listening isn't even listening anymore, it's hearing the nonsense and letting it pass out your other ear, not giving it any extra thought.

"Does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name?" zach asks, turning to look at the group. i sit up from where i'm laying down around the campfire with my so-called 'friends'.

"does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name?" i repeat wearilly, feeling like this question has a little more depth to it than the other crap people spew from their mouths.

"Yeah, just think, someone else in the world has your name. It kinda bothers me." zach explains further, tucking his knees to his chest. lost in my thoughts, i stand up, pacing away from the group, deeper into the woods. shivers rack through my body as i head away from the fire. footsteps follow behind me, probably zach.

"i'll scream, you'll scream, cause we're terrified." i mumble, burrowing further into my own mind and thoughts, "of what's around the corner. we all stay in place 'cause we don't wanna lose our lives."

"So, let's think of something better." zach tosses his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. "Come on, Jamie. Think positive. Things aren't that bad, are they? Do you need to talk?"

"no...i don't want to, sorry." i respond, ducking my head slightly, afraid he'd be angry with me. instead, i was surprised to feel his hands link with mine, pulling me deeper into the woods before spinning us in circles.

"Down in the forest, let's sing a chorus! One that everybody knows!" he exclaims happily. oh, how i wish i was as happy as he is. he swings my hands upwards.

"Hands held higher! It'll be like we are fire!" he comments, staring into my eyes, giggling, his eyes squinting into those crescents, adorable wrinkles at the outer corners. "Singing songs that nobody wrote!"

the next day i lay in my bed, looking at the ceiling, notepad thrown next to me. i glance at it, zach's words echoing in my head.

my brain has given up. flags of surrender raise themselves in my mindscape, giving up on trying to stabilize. i gave my mind zach's words as food, i think it was poison. i grab my notepad, a flood of thoughts coming into my mind that hurt to keep inside. the words exploded from my pen like bile, spreading itself out across the page.

does it bother anybody else that someone else has your name?

standing up, i toss open my window, running out across the field.

does it bother anybody else that someone else has your name?

the forest envelops my body, taking me into its tranquil arms, surrounding me in quiet.

i fall to my knees, letting out the scream that was building up inside me. other voices scream, echoing throughout the forest. we're terrified. i don't know who else is here, but they hear me. we all scream for the same reason. we're afraid of what's coming next. we never move closer to each other, all afraid of dying.

down in the forest

"we'll sing a chorus!" i scream, wanting to see if i get a response. i want to see someone, someone like me

"one that everybody knows!" one voice screeches back. i stand up, moving towards the voice.

"hands held higher!"

"we'll be on fire!" the voice continues. was the thing zach told me something that unlocks secrets of the forest?

"singing songs that nobody wrote!" i wail, running towards the voice more as it screams again. leaves crunch beneath my feet, a grating noise that interrupts my finding of the person. the person like me. a branch gets crushed beneath my foot, tripping me with how it got caught on my jeans.

i stood up, seeing a storm approach. fighting the feeling of moving toward it, i give in. chasing the clouds, chasing the rain, the lightning. the clothes on my back flake off, leaving something else entrapping my skin. i look around, zach flying into the clouds despite my cries for him to come back.

the clouds leave, shining sun blinding my eyes. i squint to try and make it seem clearer. zach reappears in front of me, but slightly not right. his bright eyes are dull, his once fluffy hair damp and askew. he holds up a mirror, making me view the reflection of myself.

instead of seeing my own curly, dirty-blonde hair, it's shaved close to the scalp, brown. my once full cheeks thinned out and hollow. my eyes no longer dark chocolate brown, but a dull cacao, eye bags heavy, sunken into my skull. my body was lithe, nothing like the muscles i had before.

i'm not who i'm supposed to be

i stand up, smoke clouding my vision causing me to cough violently. a house is on fire, a treehouse. looking down at my hands, they have a dirty, glistening sheen. the smell of gas penetrate my nose as my hands get closed to my face. where is the person? this isn't what i wanted

this isn't what i planned

i fall to the ground once more

the burning wood turns to grass.

i awake in the tree house, not burned; full of others like me, a large mirror on the expanse of the wall. everyone had a different reflection, like we all were squinting, not who we're supposed to be, but who we are. sounds echo through the tree house as sun pours through the window, voices no longer terrified of what's around the corner. nobody is staying in place because we have already lost our lives.

they all turn to look at me, waiting for me to say something.

"Down in the forest, we'll sing a chorus." I start singing, a smile begging to break loose, to tug the corners of my lips up.

"Something that everybody knows!" They all join, wrapping me up in their arms as music fills my ears.

"Hands held higher! We've been on fire! Singing songs that nobody wrote!" We all sang over and over and over again.