Pain~Yugbam~

01.

Yugyeom's POV

I don't know if you noticed but I really like you, even though you only think of me as your best friend. Maybe it's the amount of time we had together, that I developed more feelings for you which I really hate. I hate myself for liking you because I know it's stupid that someone great as you will like a weirdo like me. I still don't get why I got to debut with all of you, when I, a trash belonged to our group. It's obvious that all of you are talented while me? Loser...

I may sound dramatic, but it's just my thoughts. I can't really open up to someone because I think it's embarrassing and they will probably think it's ridiculous. I can't just say that I like boys or something because I'm 100% sure they will be disgusted and disappointed at me.

I adore you because you seem to be open up about everything and you aren't afraid of the people's judgments about you. I wish I was like you because if I did that I can open up about my feelings instead of hurting myself with my thoughts.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy every day when inside I wanted to die already. I feel useless and unloved, I'm so tired of everything, that even breathing makes me want to disappear.

I stared at the blade on my hand and looked at my wounded arm. I just can't stop, I wanna disappear so bad, without anyone knowing. A sudden knock on the door made me jump, I headed to the bathroom and locked the door taking the used blade with me. That was so close.

"Yugyeom? Why are there scattered tissues on the floor? Why is there a bandage here?, I heard Jinyoung hyung say.

"I w-watched a k-drama and it was so sad so... also the bandage er- I just found it", I said while covering my wounds with the long sleeve.

"Oh okay. Come out it's dinner time", I heard him say and the door closed. I checked myself on the mirror and saw that my eyes are red and puffy. A lie wouldn't hurt if someone asked about it, it's fine. I walked out the bathroom and threw the used tissues in the trashcan. I walked out my bedroom, exhaling loudly before heading to the dining room.

Everyone was already seated, probably just waiting for me. I sat on my chair and all of us started eating, the members asking about their day and something.

"Gyeom, I realized you have been wearing long sleeves often and you won't wear short sleeves even in our promotions. Why?", Jaebum hyung asked me. What should I answer?

"Ah that. I-I just wanted to wear it because it's comfy and it's always cold", I answered. I hope he would just say yes, I'm running out of lies to answer. He nodded and continued eating, making me sigh in relief. I felt Bambam's eyes looking at me, I avoided his gaze as much as possible and continued eating my food.

ಥ_ಥ

Bambam's POV

All of us finished eating and now, Youngjae hyung and I are in the kitchen washing the dishes. I want to ask him something privately for a long time and now's the chance.

"Youngjae hyung. Did you notice something different from Yugyeom? He doesn't look that happy, he's not loud anymore, and he barely talks to us anymore", I looked at him and sighed.

"Yup, he does look different. He became the most quiet member and he never opens up about him anymore", Youngjae said with a worried look.

"He barely evens go out his bedroom anymore", I sighed and looked at his bedroom door.

"Try to talk to him. You are Yugyeom's best friend, he'll be the most comfortable around you", he said and I nodded.

I walked to his bedroom and knocked on the door before coming inside. It was a mess. His things are scattered everywhere and the room's mood seems sad. I saw him on his bed, typing on his phone.

"Gyeom, can I talk to you?", I sat on his bedside and looked at him.

"What is it?", his voice was hoarse and he looks tired. He looks so different. Yugyeom closed his phone and looked at me. Even his gaze feels different, there's definitely something wrong.

"Are you okay? I feel like there's something wrong", I said and he showed a smile.

"No Bam. What are you saying? I'm definitely okay", he smiled widely but it looks forced.

"You know you can always open up and tell me your problems. I will listen to you and comfort you", I sighed.

"Yeah I know. Now shoo", he stood up and pushed me out his bedroom.

"Yah. I'm being serious", I said and placed my hand on the door, since he almost closed it.

"I know, and I will tell you when something's wrong", he said shortly and slammed the door shut. I even heard the door lock.

Youngjae looked at me with a confusing look and I just sighed.

"He obviously doesn't wanna talk about it", I groaned in disappointment and plopped down the couch.

Yugyeom's POV

I felt tears falling down my face as soon I closed the door. Why is it so hard to open up? Just hearing the words 'are you okay', makes me cry already. I hate myself for lying. Out of frustration, I punched the bathroom mirror, the shards falling on the floor. I cried loudly, my knees dropping on the floor.

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It was already midnight when I decided to go out and heal my wounded knuckles. We have an awards ceremony to attend tomorrow and I will never let people see my arms and hands. I went out my bedroom and went to the kitchen quietly, opening the drawer and taking out the betadine and alcohol.

"What are you doing?", I jumped in shock. Someone see me. I cursed under my breath and look at who's behind me.