Surreal

Chapter 21 | Picking up the Pieces

And through all my promises, the tears and the cries come anyway, filling my heart with that familiar pain that has come to be a second emotion to me. Draping my arms over the stone, I allow the cries to escape, to let them loose in hopes of never retrieving them again. It feels good to cry, but everything has its time, and my time for crying is ending. The time to move on has come.

But through my tears, I hear Joey's confused whisper directly behind me.
"Mummy," he whispers delicately, "Do you miss Daddy again?"

Another cry racks my body at his precious and caring words, but I manage a small smile for him. "Yes, I do."

I open an embrace to him that he quickly accepts, seating himself comfily on my lap as he wraps his short arms around my waist. He keeps quiet, letting me calm myself in his comforting arms. So young, yet already he seems to grasp the reason of tears and sorrow. He has James' wisdom.

"Mum..." Joey whispers and suddenly taps my shoulder, "A man is behind you."

"What?" My shaky voice quivers from crying, but I force away the tears as I set Joey down and turn myself around.

A tall man with a wise and elegant face stands stiffly behind James' grave, his dirty-blonde hair combed neatly back over his head, and a familiar mustache covering his top lip. His gaze averts to mine as he seems to just notice us, and his eyes widen in surprise.

As do mine.

"Jamie!" I happily call, pushing myself from the ground to meet him.

He smiles, a hint of sympathy in his expression, but he seems overly happy to see me. I plunge myself into his arms, and with awkward hesitation, he slowly accepts the sudden embrace.

"Katherine Nicholls," he lightly chuckles as he pulls away with still tight grips on my shoulders, "I never did expect to see you again, after..." his voice fades off, and his smile is replaced with a sorrowful frown. "My deepest condolences about James' death, Katherine. If we could have kept him longer, the war might have been that much shorter. He was a brave fighter, willing until the end. And a good friend."

My eyes are dry from already spent tears, but it tightens my chest to hear of James' death directly. Jamie removes his hands from my shoulders, his stance tall and proud, like the Captain he had been.

"Thank you, Jamie," I whisper, barely loud enough to be audible, "I...it's good to know he was so greatly admired."

Jamie nods, "He was good to the men, and they looked up to him dearly. He knew the attack was a great risk to the entire calvary, it was clear he would have called it off...if he could have," he lowers his head in shame as he speaks, "I assured him they were completely defenseless, it would take a great miracle on their part to stop us from reaching the other side. It was in my right to call it off, and by the time James proved to be right, it was far too late."

"It wasn't your fault, Jamie," I reassure softly, but my heart burns with frustration. "You know that."

"It tends to feel as though it is, and I was definitely not in the right."

A very small part of me wants to scream and shout and tell him that he is right; it was his fault. But the larger portion of me wants to know, and that perhaps if I did know, the pain of it all would subside.

"What happened that day, Jamie?" I ask, straightforward, "How did it happen?"

"Katherine, it-"

"Please," I urge, "I want to know this."

He sighs, but motions his hand foreword for me to join him, and we walk together across the meadow.

"Four years and six months, to the day, since the charge. Just like any ordinary day; we were preparing to charge, just as had been rehearsed. I could tell from the start that James had been on edge, he seemed quite unsure of the whole thing. But he mounted up on Joey nonetheless, sword at the ready, and I called the charge.

"Like thunder itself we met the Germans, and they fled like frightened rabbits. It was plain to see our attack had profited nicely, and we drove them completely out of their camp, into the wood behind their station. That's when we saw the guns. Ready and loaded, the whole time; we never knew. I knew James' suspicions were correct, but there was no longer anything that could be done. They fired across our still-charging lines, our entire calvary completely vulnerable. We faced the guns, and after that I never saw James again.

"I was taken as a prisoner of war, along with many of my fellow officers and men. Few of us survived, and I saw a good friend of mine, Charlie Warren, die right in front of me. I do suppose I deserved the horrors I faced over those last four years, but many things would have different, had our charge been successful."

Once the words stop leaving his mouth a dreadful silence washes over, and my heart is tight with a recognizable pain, my cheeks stained with tears that I had not realized I was shedding. But what is there that could possibly be said? Everything worth saying has already been said, and every tear worth crying has already been shed. There is no further point of pain that one can endure from here, so perhaps it is time to let go of the pain.

Let go of the past.

"It was done, Jamie," I finally speak, but it comes out in a quiet, timid whisper, as if I am too afraid of what I have to say. Too afraid to let go.

"I...I think it's time to..." I pause, considering the terms of my next words.
Am I brave enough to just let go?

To let go of our memories, of our love.
Of James?

But James wanted it. And he wanted it for me.

"It's time to move on."

•••

I am finally beginning to understand,
James. I understand what you wanted when you told me to move on, and to pick up the broken pieces.

Jamie came home, James. But he is so full of regret. He blames himself for your death, and nothing I said would reassure him.

Some things in life are things you can't change. Things like the past, and regret, and sorrow. Things that break you.

You will never be able to mend what broke you, but is it possible to mend what has been broken?

My love for you will still go on as long as I live, and then forever after. On those lonely nights, when I miss your presence, I will still cry over you. When Joey speaks of you, and when he longs to meet you, my heart will still break.

But I'm learning how to pick up those broken pieces. I'm learning how to retrieve the missing ones. And you know, James?
I think I'm mending.

--

A/N:

I'm so sorry for the super late update! My life got busy all of a sudden and updating this fanfic hasn't been the first thing on my mind.

But here's the very last chapter of "Surreal", and I really hope you guys enjoyed it. And please comment and tell me what you think!

There is an epilogue I'm gonna post in a day or two, so be on the watch for that as well!

- 〽️iddleAsgard, at your service.