I'm almost me again (She's almost you)

Chapter 17

Dearest Jisoo,

The strangest thing happened the other day; I went nearly the whole day without thinking about you, and I didn't even realise it. Somehow, I've become better without even realising it, slowly evolving into a different person who feels things instead of existing in perpetual numbness, even if the things I feel are painful. I've slowed down since being here, taking the time to just be, picking wildflowers along the riverbank and appreciating the hard work of a quiet life. I think you'd like who I've become.

I no longer feel like the same person I was when I started my trip. Almost by accident, I've become myself again - well, perhaps a better version. I hope you're proud of me for that. Proud that I no longer cling to the image of you that I have created and idolised since the moment we first met. My love for you is healthier now; it no longer depends on you fixing me. I've learnt that only I could do that, and I'm by no means fixed, and I still miss you with every bit of me, but I'm working on it and I'm okay. I'm more than okay - I'm good.

For so long, I've been wrapped up in the darkness inside me, sharpening my edges against anyone who tried to get close enough to help me. But I have been softened by too much time spent in the countryside, and for so long it's felt like I've been weighed down by the life I wasn't living, only for me to find my freedom at last. I feel light now. I feel like I'm choosing what I want for myself, and not for anybody else.

I thought you leaving were the worst thing that could happen to me, the only thing I had left to lose, and I didn't think I could survive it, but somehow, it has made me a better version of myself. I've spent all of the spring waiting to be my old self again, but instead, I found someone new. At first, it felt like I wasn't here, like my body was controlled by someone else, someone who went through the motions and took care of me while I dozed inside myself, but I've since come back to life, back to myself, and found that I'm made of something else now. I've come to appreciate nights spent watching the stars, the peacefulness of crickets singing after dark and days spent reading for hours on end, drinking homemade lemonade on a blanket by the river.

I have changed so much, Jisoo, I can feel it in my bones. I feel strong, happy, put back together again in the right way this time, as if I was born with the pieces in the wrong places, and it just feels so right. I can't wait to tell you all about it. I can't wait to tell you about Jennie and how I'm fixing my boat myself. It's going to be so good to see you again; I've missed you more than you could possibly know. That much hasn't changed, and neither has my love for you.

Yours always,

Lisa x

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Time was moving quicker than Lisa wanted it to, the days slipping between her fingers with no control, watching as the moments blurred together, heedless of her desire for them to slow down. Soon enough, she'd finished covering the hull with airtight slats of thick wood, and the boat had been towed back out of the boathouse and down to the river, where it floated, moored in the shallows as Lisa tested it for leaks.

It only had a quick layer of resin and tar on it at the moment, and she still had more work to do, but she needed to know whether it was sturdy. It had been out there for a couple of days, bilge pump in working fashion as the planks of unfinished wood bobbed in the water, looking strange with its mismatched colours.