[thoughts of you pumping through my veins gets me higher than absolutely any drug in the entire world ever could]
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my appearance in the mirror frightened me. sickly pale, disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, and dark bags hanging lowly under the redness. i've been to rehab and therapy, and i've tried every remedy there is in the book. what i've found is that the best remedy was her beside me. she never told me to stop my addiction, or to get better because she knew i was in too deep for recovery. i loved her, absolutely adoring her and everything she was. she made me feel like a druggie like me with no hope in being okay, could be temporarily recovered by the pure presence of her.
i know she hates the smell of my flat by the way her nose crinkles whenever she takes the first step in the door. she doesn't say anything though, just silently trailing behind me as we make our way up to my room. it's where we were most of the time, one because it doesn't smell like weed, and two because it gave her comfort. my room wasn't anything special, just a dark room with dark walls covered in band posters and random pictures mostly of me and her. we always listened to music there, finding it much easier for there to be awkward silences if nirvana was playing lowly from the speakers.
she sat across from me on my bed, humming to the black keys song that was currently on. she was fiddling with my hands in hers, drawing little patters with the tip of her finger and tracing the outlines of my palm. she seemed so fascinated with the simplest of things, finding beauty in the most screwed up things. finding beauty in things like me.
"what do you want to be when you're older?" she whispered quietly so i could barely hear her over the music. i looked up from my hands in hers, knowing she'd be sad by my answer. she often asked me questions about my future, like there was one for me.
"dead." i whispered, looking at her. she looked up as well, her face emotionless but i knew inside she was disappointed by my answer. she dropped it, returning to tracing the lines on my palm.
"i hope to be a photographer. live in new york, maybe even work for-"
"i love you." i cut her off mid sentence, making her stop what she was doing. she dropped my hand, folding her arms over her chest loosely. she bit down on her lip, avoiding my gaze as she turned to the window above my desk. i continued to stare at her, tears beginning to well up in her eyes. she shook her head as she buried her face in her hands. she mumbled incoherent words that i could barely understand.
"you don't love me, ashton." she whispered, her entire body basically shaking at my words. i wanted to hug her, kiss her, tell her that it was okay not to love me back because i knew in the first place that she could never love someone like me. but before i could do any of that, she stood up, walking towards my bedroom door and stopping before she opened it.
"guys like you can't love girls like me." she walked out the door, leaving me to revel in my thoughts. the door to my flat was slammed shut, i knew that she was gone. gone forever. she would never come back because of three little stupid words i said. her last words before she left replayed in my mind over and over again. guys like you can't love girls like me. i mumbled them over and over, and before i knew it i was stumbling into the bathroom across the hall from my bedroom.
i stared blankly at my reflection, my eyes even redder than before, my pale cheeks tear stained, and my entire body trembling in sadness and fear and anger. of course a girl like her could never fall for a guy like me, i was too screwed up. too invested in drugs that even if we did get together, she would be convinced that i loved cocaine more than her. none of that was true. if she gave me a chance, i would show her that i could get better, i would show her that her love meant everything to me. i could show her i wasn't who i appeared to be.
the pills were in my hand and before i could comprehend what i was doing, i was opening the orange bottle, dumping the contents into my palm. if she wasn't here to stop me, who else could possibly care? i swallowed each pill one by one, my vision and mind becoming slightly hazy as i downed them all with water. i slid down the wall once the bottle was empty, bringing my knees up to my chest and crying into them.
my vision was blurry and my mind was completely blank, well almost. the only thing going through my mind was her. her final words to me, her full appearance, her voice, her smile. she was the last thing i thought of before my entire body went numb and my mind became one with darkness.
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ps i don't use names or y/n in this story so yea fun fact of the day
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no happy ending :: sad 5sos imagines
Fanfictionsometimes the world doesn't come with happy endings
