how to be a barb: a peaches fanfic

chapter one: the discovery

she wakes up to a marinated stench in her one bedroom apartment. "what is that?" she asks, as a smell of crawfish and her own flesh hits her nose. "showering is a trend," she says to herself "i'm not going to break tradition, i will shower next january." the rats that usually scurry in her piss-smelling apartment have gone away. peaches cries out, "oh what will i do to get my rats back!? they're my only source of comfort!!" she was obviously lying, as she has a new old man at her apartment every week. she hears a voice come from the sky, "join the barbs! you WILL gets your rats back! learn the ideas and fight against the confederates!" peaches jumps out of fear, as her whole apartment shakes, cora wakes up and begins to cry. "shut up!" peaches slaps her silly, but we all know she's jealous. she is jealous of coras hair, as peaches permed all of hers off. she thinks to herself, "what are the barbs? why should i join them? who was that voice?" the voice was the one and only onika tanya miraj (also known as the queen of rap.) peaches begins to pray to the angels. "how do i get to the barbs? will they save me?" the angels send her a guide called, "barbs for bernie: a guide to worshipping," peaches spends day and night learning the rules and the words of the barbs, until one day she decides that she is ready to progress into this new chapter in her life.