To Be So Lonely // Ben Solo

5

"Ben killed his father," whispered Leia. "Rey, Chewie, Finn. They were all there. They all witnessed it."

"Oh."

Cyra didn't know what to be thinking. Her heart clenched for the loss of Han from her memories, for Leia, for Chewbacca. Her pain was not as present as it was to her former family; Cyra had been mourning the loss of them for years. But still, the confirmation stabbed through her heart. Thinking about how it was not only his son, but was undoubtedly committed with a lightsaber sent her heart off the edge. It was not a peaceful death, she assumed, but wholly undeserving, she knew.

How far Ben had gone from the boy she knew was overwhelming her thoughts of Han. Her departure from Mandalore followed a number of thoughts, but none more so than the thought that Ben might not be solely to blame for all of the destruction it would cause. He made the decision to choose the Dark, yet she couldn't stop believing that it wasn't entirely his fault. The actions of Luke, Leia, Han, Leia's political opponents, the other Apprentices—they were all to blame. Ben was already having a hard time remaining loyal to the Light within him when Snoke tried to influence him.

Cyra found it hard to remain sympathetic for Ben after knowing what she knew now. She felt betrayed, as Leia did, to know that the boy she loved was capable of killing his father, among the masses of innocents he also undoubtedly killed. She thought she knew of his feelings towards Han, or, at least, she did in their youth. Ben missed him, always. Han was barely around in their teenage years. "He can take care of himself, he's off with his girlfriend all the time anyway, I can manage a few smuggling runs without any big deal," they had once heard him defending to Leia. A few smuggling runs turned into Han barely being home. It left Ben with abandonment issues, despite Cyra adamantly insisting that it wasn't Ben's fault for Han's choice. But she never assumed his feelings for Han to be that of hatred. What was he like now? She found herself wondering. If he can kill his father?

Cyra could not help but ponder the possibility that things would have been different if she had agreed and joined him. Maybe she could have salvaged Ben Solo from Snoke, from all of it, if she hadn't decided to run. But it didn't matter now. What was done was done. Ben demonstrated clearly to them in the killing of his father that he was far from the boy they knew and loved. He was a monster, trying to conceal the horrors of his actions, going by the name of Kylo Ren to bury who he used to be.

Leia's hand intercepted Cyra's deep thought as it reached to grab hers. Cyra turned her head in Leia's direction.

"Han went there to save our son," she said.

Cyra did not bother to look at the woman. "He failed, Leia," she said, pointedly. She had an inkling she knew exactly where Leia's comment was headed. 

"Ben went to you," continued Leia. She was begging. "After the Temple, he didn't call Han, or me. He went to you, because he loves you."

"Loved."

"Han died trying to save him. You know I would do the same. I try to reach for him, every night, hoping he can feel me, trying to let him know he would be safe with me, if he just came home," she continued.

"You really think he's still redeemable after he killed his own father?" scoffed Cyra, pulling her hands from Leia. They went straight into her hair, tugging at her scalp. Her head was spinning. She slammed her eyes shut, though she continued to see shaking white lines against the darkness of her eyelids. "I ran from him because I had no other choice to offer him. I told Ben to come with me. I offered him myself and the stars, a life of running from Snoke, from you, Han, all of it. He proved he didn't love me anymore when he didn't come with me. I have nothing to prove to him, I had nothing then and I don't now—"

"You had Han and I," Leia disagreed.

Cyra laughed. "No, I didn't. Ben didn't. Han was never around, and you refused to train me, after Luke said no. How was I supposed to come to the parents of the kid I loved and ask you for anything?"

"We love you, Cyra. We always have. You've been our other kid since you were born," said Leia. A tear fell from her eye. "I told you I couldn't train you and it broke my heart. But it was on Luke's orders, not my decision."

"Why?" snapped Cyra.

Leia watched the girl carefully. The tears falling from Cyra's eyes were not that of sadness, but anger, confusion. Her hands were clenched in tight fists. Leia wondered if she should continue. If Luke was right...

Cyra turned her head to Leia, her right eye twitching. Her hand fell to the back of her head, where she tried to pinch her skin, trying to stop the headache muddling her thoughts.

"L-Luke saw you turn. We knew how close you two were, the bond between you. If you turned, there was almost no doubt that Ben would follow," said Leia. She needed to be honest, at last, and learn from her mistakes. "We did it to save you both. If Ben trained to be a Jedi, and you received no training, we thought it wouldn't come true. We thought we could keep you both good, safe."

"All you did was show us from how badly we needed each other," muttered Cyra. She huffed at the thought. Childish, how she once revolved entirely around a boy from her childhood.

"I know we are at fault, Cyra," Leia said softly. "I have been thinking about what I've done for a long time. For what happened to you and my son, I have part of the blame, and I know that. I'm sorry, Cyra. I'm sorry I trusted in a possibility instead of who you were then."

Although Cyra did not speak, she nodded, accepting Leia's apology. It was in the past. None of them could return. What occurred in her youth was a distant memory she was forced to come to terms with long before she was forced to leave Ilum; her feelings on the matter changed little upon Leia's admittance. Cyra, Leia, Han Luke-- they all had to accept and live with the consequences of their actions in their stories. It was worth nothing to hold anger over the situation. 

Yet again, the actions of Ben Solo uprooted her life and left her wondering what was next. Whatever path lied ahead of her, she only knew one thing: she had to continue running from the man now known as Kylo Ren.