Every Firsts

Unexpected Meeting

I blow away some of my vicious curly strands of hair out of my oily face to see clearly the book that I am reading. I'm on the last chapter and I can't bear but to cry my soul out because I knew I was right and I hate being right, at least not with this.

I expected that she, the heroine of the story will choose divorce over the chance of saving their family but I do understand her. Sometimes, we have to choose the right thing to do even if it will break our hearts. But I will not deny that there's a part of me who wants her to alter her decision.

I still want to believe that love can conquer everything, that their love will heal their wounds. May be love isn't enough after all for them stay or may be it's the right kind of love that made them endure the pain of losing each other for what is right. Sacrifice may be the right word to describe it. I suppose love is deeper than what it seems.
Well, whatever the case may be, still that decision of hers made me amazed her, Lily.

I found a hero in Lily's character. She is an example of a strong and brave woman. She definitely broke the chain of the abusive relationship she and her mother suffered for her child's sake. That may be what the title suggests, "It ends with us".

At some point I envy her because even if her marriage failed I know for sure that she'll always have a home where she could go back. That is in the arms of Atlas, her first love.

First...

I know that it's hard to forget our every firsts but I guess among all those firsts, the hardest one to unlearn is your first love, like Lily and Atlas. And it's something I am guilty of.

Until now, from time to time I still think of him, the very first person who made me fell nervous and excited at the same time. Don't get me wrong. I never had any relationship before, not even with him and that's why it sucks more. I already learned how it feels to have a shattered heart without even enjoying the perks of being in love. Yes, it's some kind of a one sided love and we never had a chance to be together. And... yes, it sucks a lot.

Lucky Atlas and Lily, their hearts never change even after a long time. I can say the same thing with us. I never change even after 5 years and I guess he never too. He's still not into me, not now, never. And... another yes... it did suck because I know that fact but I can't change my heart.

Perhaps, there are things that are meant to remain unchanged. The world may be round but it's center will never change no matter how fast it spins round and round. It's just unfortunate that I spare him a room at the center of my world but I was placed on the edge of his.

I lost track of my train of thoughts when I heard the hard knock on my door. In great surprise I fell butt first on my room's floor.
"Ouch", I exclaimed as I fell.
"Emma, what's going on?", my mom shouted on the other side of my door. "You shocked me mom, I fell butt first." I shouted exasperatedly.
The door swung open and my mom was instantly right beside me with her hands on both of her sides, a gesture of impatience.

"You're reading again a boring book. My God, when will you try to interact with real people? That's why you're still awkward talking to others. Go out and have fun!" She said that in the most accusing tone she could ever make, as if this is some kind of a crime.

I could never get her. First, going out is just a waste of money. Second, I'm not used to gossip about other people which is usually other people used to talk to. I don't want to be fried by other people's words so why would I do that to them. That doesn't seem right. Third, I prefer to be alone.

"Mom when will you ever realize that reading is 'fun' for me. I don't need to go out to entertain myself. I'm good here reading my 'boring' books", I said as I smile sarcastically.
"Yeah, you're right, those are really "boring books" so, come on help me make nachos, someone is coming." I roll my eyes.
"You will never understand because you never tried to understand", I whisper.
From the sound of it, I guess my quiet day will be envaded by some unknown presence again.
...