p • r • e • s • s • u • r • e

nervosa

"I-that's because there is nothing, there is no this, there's-"

He huffed and scrubbed his hands til they were red, shut the sink off with force and dried his hands on his jeans. There were paper towels in the dispenser. 

"I know I could be eating better, sleeping better, working out more. But I don't. That's just not something I'm doing right now. I'm not trying to lose weight, or to punish myself by not eating. There's no goal here. It's just a pain in the ass, is all."

He left Bruce standing there, in the backdraft.

When he came back out, he stopped at the counter.

"Hey, can I get a smoothie?"

"Sure. Which one?"

"Whatever one's the most like a meal."

"Let's go home." Tony said.

"Yeah, I ordered you a smoothie. You should be able to keep it down."

He just nodded. He didn't feel like fighting.

"Hey, listen, I'm really sorry." Tony was trying very hard not to sound sorry for himself.

"What for?"

"My-I'm just a basket case. You shouldn't have to deal with me, but you do, and...I sort of wish you didn't. I'm not your problem, and I-"

Bruce sat down. He opened his mouth to speak and got cut off.

"No, let me finish. If I weren't such a piece of shit, if I had locked my lab doors, this never would have happened. I'll get better eventually, but-but I'm just not right now, and I just...I don't know. Maybe part of me wanted you to find me, and I hate that. I fucking hate that. But it's done. And you know...everything, now and I can't take it back. So I'm sorry." He attempted to withhold all emotion from his voice. He was simply stating the facts, making sure they were on the same page. That's all this was. 

"Oh Tony..."

His face got all hot and his eyes felt like they were boiling, he dove for cover behind his hands. 

"Never mind, sorry." his voice betrayed him. 

"Don't be. I'm glad you...got that out, no matter how wrong you are. I want to help you get through this, Tony. I'm really grateful you're letting me. Don't you see that? This is my choice. I could walk away, but I won't. I won't ever walk away."

"Why?" His voice was like burnt bread. Sour, cracked. He hated it.

And Bruce was smiling. Why was he doing that?

"You are the single most brilliant human being I have ever met and yet you are so stupid sometimes. You're my best friend, Tony. Not just now, not these past twelve years but over the course of my entire life you have been the best friend, in any given moment. What you've given me, in our companionship...dude, I'm relieved that it's finally my turn."

He was tearing up now, too.

"You're-god, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Tony. It's not a sense of obligation, I know how you hate that. I know that's why all your friends have surprise inheritances from aunts they never knew and secret benefactors who pay their hospital bills. Because you don't want them to feel beholden to you."

Tony nodded. He didn't know anyone else understood it. 

"But I don't feel beholden to you. I know I never asked for anything you've done for me. I didn't even want you to help. Which is why I'm helping you now. Not because I feel like I have to, but because if I can do for you a fraction of what you've done for me, I will die a happy man."

His comforting tone only made matters worse, and it was all too much. He was smiling and Tony was being heroically stolid, but it could only last so long. 

"Oh god," he said and melted into his arms. Like full on, properly sobbing. 

"Um...I put it in a to-go container." She was dying to ask. "Is he okay?" she whispered.

"Yeah, he's fine."

Tony sobbed. 

"He'll be fine. Can we get the bill?"

She came back in under a minute with the receipt and a box of tissues. The minute she was gone Tony emerged from his shell and scrubbed his face with four of them.

"I hate you," he said.

"No you don't."

"Ugh." he grunted.

Bruce was smiling again.

"You ready to go?"

Tony stood and put on his coat.

"Fuck you."

"Uh-huh."