Toxic

What does being toxic mean to you?

It's hard to define toxicity because it can mean different things to different people. It can be toxic parents, a toxic relationship, a toxic friendship. The definition that google provides is "the quality of being toxic or poisonous". Okay but that doesn't say a lot. I'll provide some examples. But what does it mean to you?

To me is someone who constantly seeks to bring you down, to treat you like shit, to make you feel worthless, someone who tells you that you aren't good enough. Someone who repeatedly reminds you that they can replace you in a heart beat. Someone who doesn't see that what they are doing is wrong but know deep down that they shouldn't be treating you like this at all.
Relationships: those can be quite toxic. The person who messed me up the most was my ex boyfriend. Till this day he believes that he did nothing wrong, and that I just wasn't good enough. Someone who constantly told me that I couldn't hang out with my friends, that my mother was possessive, and controlling. That my family members couldn't be trusted. And yes they can be a little overwhelming and if I sit here and think about it I can say they are indeed a bit toxic. But they are my family members the things they do shouldn't concern other people. If you are looking out for someone and you tell them to stay away from people like that, I would understand. But to constantly tell someone that they need to stay away, that they need to stop talking to their family members, and that they are better off with you. That doesn't sit right with me. It took me so long to realize that he was wrong, and that I should've never went against my own family members and friends to make him happy. Because I didn't wanna loss him, because I wanted to be enough. Then I lost myself in the process. And I would look at myself in the mirror and cry for hours. I would sit there and tell myself that I should've done more, that I wasn't good enough, that he was going to leave me because I wasn't making him happy. No one should ever, ever make you feel like this! That will never in a million years be okay. You become that girl who tells everyone that you are okay. That nothing is wrong, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to you. That he treats you like the queen that you are. But in reality he is just another controlling and manipulating piece of shit who wants to rub his insecurities on to you so that you can stay with him. So that you can feel like you need him to survive. So that he can feel better about himself. But you don't need him, he's not oxygen, he's not water, he isn't what you need to survive. He becomes the opposite, he becomes that person that you need to stay away from. And you become that girl who smiles when people ask about your mental health and say "I'm honestly doing so good", "better than ever". You become the girl who lies to herself because other people see what you don't. Because other people see that he isn't treating you right, other people see that he is trying to sink you so low to the point where you lose yourself and become his other half. But not in a good way, the other half that he treats like shit, the other half that he goes to when he feels insecure, the other half that no matter what you do he will forever mistreat you and tell you, that you will never be good enough for him. But it wasn't always like this. He was a good person when you both started going out. That's what "love" does. Love blinds you. I'm a Libra, I fall in love fast. At times I wish I was heartless, so that I wouldn't end up feeling someone so much to the point where I feel like I need them to be happy. Truth is I don't need anyone to be happy, to survive. I need myself, I need air, I need water, I need food. I don't need a boyfriend or husband but it's nice to have one. I don't need anyone but it's nice to have people who care. That wya you don't feel alone, that way you have someone to count on. And not everyone is going to treat you like shit. Not everyone is going to make you feel worthless. You need to learn to love yourself first, learn to make you happy before other people. You can't love anyone before loving yourself and if you do end up feeling that way that's when you need a break. A break for yourself, to find yourself, to love you at all cost.