I Love You, It's Ruining My Life

Prologue

"If I were to write about our love story, I would highlight how much you made me happy, even if it was just an almost. Almost, muntik na, malapit na sana, ayan tayo eh. We never had a proper closure because, in the first place, we never had an us. But at the same time, there was an us; us laughing together, us facing the same view, us squeezing ourselves under your tiny umbrella while it was raining hard, us sneaking out to see each other, us making efforts for each other, and there was an us who promised to stay through thick and thin. And it's just unfortunate that that 'us' ended because we grew apart from each other. We were aware that communication is the key, but we also didn't want to be a burden to each other, so instead of communicating, which could have saved what we had, we just watched it fly away with our happy memories together. So, if I have the chance to write about us, the last line would be, without a doubt, 'I love you, my always'."

I stared at the paper I am holding while I hear numerous claps from the whole class.

"Very good, Ms. Caela. I love how sincere you've said those words, it's full of emotion. Is that from a real-life experience, if I may ask?" Ms. Chua asked.

Tumingin ako sa isang lalaki na nakaupo sa dulo, nakatingin din siya sa akin gamit ang malambot na mga mata.

Yes.

I want to say that but the last thing I would do is to admit that even after three years, my thoughts are still full of him.

"Alright, you may now take your seat."

I sighed and made my way to my seat, which is on the third row on the other side of the room. I slightly pinched my fingers when I felt they were shaking. I crumpled the paper I am holding because it would not be needed anymore. It's just the question for my impromptu speech, which is, 'Imagine you are an author from a fresh break-up, how will you write the love story you had?'

"Now, let's have Mr. Troy Ruiz."

Tumingin ako sa gawi niya at nakita ko siyang pumunta sa harapan at bumunot sa fishbowl na nakapatong sa lamesa sa gitna. He read it then bit his lower lip.

"What's the question you've got Mr. Ruiz?"

"If you would apologize to someone who's dead, who will it be and what would you apologize for?"

"Alright, you have 20 seconds to think about your answer and 2 minutes for your short impromptu speech."

He suddenly looked at me, which took me aback for a minute. What's that? I am not dead pa ha, don't he dare.

"Start, Mr. Ruiz."

"Sorry..." he said looking straight to my eyes, "... that's what you say when you're apologizing to someone you had done wrong. It means you didn't mean to do what you've done but it became out of your control. But if you'll wait for the person you've done wrong's death for you to apologize then it is not sincere enough. So for me, I would apologize as soon as I've done the damage, yes it would not remove the pain but that'll be a big help to that person." He looked at our professor, "Actually miss, I have someone who I've done wrong in the past. And I think when I found that person again, I'll say sorry for being coward to apologize as soon as I've done the damage. I know it'll be a little too late but I promise to not wait for that person's death. I think there's no perfect time but now, sometimes we just use it as an excuse for being coward in taking accountability for the damage we have caused. So if I were to ask, I would never wait for the death nor the perfect timing but rather start saying sorry right now."

A lot from class clapped their hands but I can't even lift my arms to clap even a single one. And without any words, I stood up and leave the classroom to go to the bathroom.

"Fuck him. He's a liar, sinungaling, sinungaling, sinungaling!"

Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagsabog ng emosyon ko nang makapasok ako sa loob ng cr. Thanks God no one's around.

And suddenly, I am back to the place I fought so hard to escape from. Memories rushed through my head without any notice, from the sweet moments to the bitter one's.

Tears run down to my cheeks as I gasped for air.

Fuck you, Troy Themis Ruiz.