Malang

Needless to say, the kiss was one sided. I could not reciprocate. I...did not.

I used to sit beside Dev, silently staring at Ganga, on the riverside. He did not touch my fingers, did not wish to kiss my neck, cheek, forehead, lips.
He loved me, and I liked him. I wished to love him too.
I sincerely wished to.

I did not have any such wish for Sumedh. I was with him, just, because, I was terrified that my fondness towards the loner in me, could prove fatal as I grew, and make me do terrible deeds, in a spree, if I didn't humanise at the earliest. Also, I was afraid. Afraid of myself.

That was it, that was the only thought I had in mind while committing to Sumedh.

" Kuch dhuya hai kuch dua hai
Khamoshi ka saaz hai
Sukha dariya pyaasa zariya
Bheege bass alfaaz hai..... "

I began walking towards the driver again. He was growingly anxious it seemed. My ears however was fixed at the song that was playing on loop on the car stereo. I halted at the distance from which the song was clearly audible. And he stared at me, disappointed like hell. I still didn't meet his glance. Just stole a few.

My parents were killed in a plane crash when I was five. I was transferred to an orphanage soon after, because we did not have anyone in our family who could take care of me. I grew up there, made not a single friend throughout my life till nineteen. Secluded, withdrawn, upto myself. I did not even feel the need to.

Dev was my batchmate, at the engineering school. Soft, shy, and the first human who took the effort to get close to me even after a huge lot of resistance. My resentment soon was nullified by his sweet smile, his amicable personality, and that he never intervened into my personal space. I ain't sure though, if the fact that he loved me, made me feel any special. I only knew I liked sitting silently beside him. Liked listening to him. And I knew, it was not love.

I searched for a cigarette in my jeans.

Every relationship I'd been in till date, had given me certain habits.
This one, is Siddhanth's contribution.
He made me realise, inhaling a burst of nicotine, did, literally calm the anxious soul. And it's fun.

Siddhanth. My colleague. Quite an audacious personality, too rude to people at times, however, never with me.
Sometimes it looked a hypocrisy to me, when on one hand he was barking at the peon, and the next moment, he was being the ever sweet boyfriend to me....

Boyfriend, yeah, right.
His way of defining the relationship. I too pretended he is one, to the rest of the world. To him, as well.

This pretentious segment started a year back, when I joined the new job.
Sumedh had ceased to exist in my life long back.

It so happened that in 2018, I had planned a solo trip to Darjeeling...
Sumedh could not make out the need for me to travel alone, when he was available and interested to tag along.
Even though he hated mountains.
And that was not the first time. I, many a times, travelled alone, and shunned his company, while in the city too...
And that enraged him, he grew suspicious, which in turn enraged me.
How promptly humans could equate my desire to stay alone, to me cheating on them.... ??

I realised... again, how mistaken I was to let him conquer.,...my existence...

One evening, at the riverside, I was staring at the tides breaking against the shores. It was near the end of our college life, we were facing campussings then. Dev was sitting beside me silently, it was all calm, composed, beautiful. This was in the year 2016.
He, suddenly, turned his head to my side. I looked at him too, instinctively.
A chill ran down my spine instantly. There was something in his eyes, I had never seen before.
" Sanyukta, do you think you've hormones deficient in your body?
Hormones that initiate urges, physical, mental, sexual?
Dopamin, oxytocin, oestrogen, endorphins?? "