Kaash

"If...if anything happens to me, mere parivaar ka khayal rakhna. Mujhe pata hai ki tum aise hi karoge lekin bas yahi bolna tha....and I...."

And before I could continue, I lost consciousness. Uske aage mujhe kuch yaad nahi. Agar ek aur second us samay mila hota to bata deti ki "I love you". Lekin woh aakhri mauka bhi nahi mila mujhe. Kaash mujhe woh second phir se milta, if only you could read my mind at that point.

Tab se lekar aaj tak jo bhi tumne kiya hai mere liye...usse maine samjha ki tum sach mein mujhse behadh pyar karte ho. Tumne mujhe yeh bhi sikhaya ki pyar sirf lafzon mein nahi hota. True love is loving someone without any expectations, so unconditional that it doesn't matter to them if their love is acknowledged. 

From the day of the accident, I have seen how many sleepless nights you have spent by my side at the hospital. All the efforts you have taken to keep me alive and make sure that my condition is stable. 

Main tumhari aankhon mein woh dard dekh sakti hoon, par tum dhyaan rakhte ho taaki mere saamne aansoo na nikle. Tum meri taakat ho Advay. Jab main tumhe dekhti hoon, jab bhi tum mere haath thaamte ho....jeene ko mann karta hai. Apne liye na hi sahi, tumhare liye, tumhari khushi ke liye.

Tum roz aate ho mujhse milne, ek din bhi miss nahi karte...woh bhi itne saalon baad. Tum hamesha kehte the na ki tumhare dost kam hai, lekin unke liye kuch bhi kar sakte ho. That is so true, shayad tumhari saadgi, tumhari sincerity dekhke hi mujhe tumse pyar ho gaya. Yaa shayad is liye kyun ki tum choti choti baatein notice karte the. Tumhe pata tha ki mujhe kis cheez se sabse zyaada khushi hoti hai aur yeh pata tha ki mujhe console kaise karna hai. 

Shayad main tumhe deserve hi nahi karti thi...I'll have to admit ki jab tumhari shaadi hui thi kuch saal pehle, mujhe bahut jealousy hui thi. Lekin main fariyaad bhi kaise karu, 15 saal se main coma mein hoon aur kitne saal pata nahi. Aur uske baad bhi shayad main tumhari kaabil nahi rahungi, how can I ask you to wait for me? Main tumhe aur takleef nahi de sakti, main kisi par bhoj nahi banna chahti. It would be wrong of me to expect that, aur mujhe tumhari khushi sabse important hai. Waise bhi mujhe yeh bhi pata hai ki tum mere saath hamesha khade honge, woh mere liye kaafi hai. 

I could sense how shattered you were after my accident, I'm so sorry. Yeh sab meri bewakoofi ki wajah se ho gaya. Physical pain to seh liya maine, lekin jo mujhse zyaada chubh raha hai..woh yahi hai ki meri wajah se tum udaas the. Hamesha chup chap rehte the, it hurt me so much to see that.

Achcha hua ki tumne shaadi ki, uske baad tum muskurane lage ho. Rashi is a very lucky girl, bahut sweet bhi hai. Woh samajhti hai ki tum mere liye kya feel karte ho, aur jab bhi woh yahan aati hai it feels so nice. Mere saath rehkar kya mila hai tumhe...sirf dard na? Rashi ki wajah se woh cute si smile jispe main marti hu, woh dheere dheere waapas aa rahi hai. Aur tumhari beti, sach much pari hai. She's such a cutie I know...mujhe abhi bhi yaad hai, jab woh paida hui thi, kuch der baad hi tumne usse yahan pe laaya tha. You were so so happy, for the first time in years I could sense a big smile on your face. If only I could hold her in my arms...so many times I have tried to move my hands but to no avail. Jab tumne mujhe bataya ki you named your daughter Aashirya, I was so touched. Kaash main us din apni khushi express kar paati

Pata nahi ki yeh galat hai ki nahi par tum jo bhi karte aaye ho...it makes me fall for you again, every day

Jab tumne pehle kaha tha ki mere parivaar tumhare saath hi hai aur sabki health acchi hai

Jab tumne har saal mere birthday pe mere liye mango cheesecake cake cut karwaate ho

Jab tum woh purane Hindi filmon ke romantic gaane gaate ho jo mere favorites hai

Jab tum romantic novels padhke sunaate ho

Jab tum mujhe naye movies ke plots explain karte ho

Jab tumhari beti mere liye violin bajaati hai

Jab tum apne trips ke kisse batate ho

Jab tum random funny stories sunate ho 

Jab tum mujhe tasalli dete ho ki sab thik hai

Jab tum bas mere saath hote ho

And the list goes on, every gesture of yours makes me feel special. Even after 15 years of being in coma you made my existence feel meaningful in some way. Only you can do this Advay, only you. You have cared for me so much, so selflessly. I always believed in love stories but no one can love like you. 

Even after so many years, my heart is beating, only because of your love. Aur kya hai mere paas...shayad isse kehte hai pyar ke sahare jeena, quite literally.

Kaash main bhagwaan se ek mannat maang paati ki kam se kam ek baar coma se uthke tumse baat karu. To thank you for everything...to apologize for all the pain...to hug you once...to express all the emotions I have felt these many years...to talk to your daughter...to see our families at least once. And to tell you those words I wasn't able to that day 15 years back.

That I love you Advay...

Kaash mujhe aisa mauka milta...

Is janam mein shayad humara milna likha nahi hai. Lekin agle janam mein, agar humara ho janam agla...to main sirf yeh maangungi ki tum mujhe hi mile. Woh bhi puri zindagi ke liye. And I promise that next time I won't do anything stupid. Please bhagwaan, give me a chance to bring all the happiness into Advay's life, because he deserves the world. 

Kaash main 15 saal waapas jaake sab thik kar paati 

Kaash main bhagwaan se tumhare saath ek khushi se bhari hui zindagi maang paati

Lekin kya karu..I'm trapped in this useless body. Besides my mind and my heart, nothing really works by itself. Even my thoughts are trapped, because no one will ever know exactly what I think. Aur jazbaaton ka kya faida jab express karne ke liye koi tareekha hi nahi hai. 

Kaash main sabko bata paati kya main kya mehsus kar rahi hoon....kaash!