A Fool's Paradise

November 1st. I opened my eyes, staring blankly at the clock that read 3:15am. I huffed and laid on my back, staring at the ceiling. Today was the day. Only a few more hours, and everyone would be up and getting ready. No-one smiling. No-one laughing. Just blank faces, blank expressions. People telling us how sorry they are. Why do they apologise? It wasn’t their fault. I slowly closed my eyes, awaiting the clock to alarm me of today’s events.

                         BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I sat up startled. The door open, I watched as my mother groggily strolled towards the bathroom. I sighed and checked my phone. No new messages. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep the tears from falling. I used to wake up everyday, with at least one, and now that’s been taken away. I swung my legs round and hopped out of bed. Time to dress for today’s occasion. I slipped into my petite black dress, it came to my mid-thigh, and wrapped nicely around my chest. He bought this for me.

                          “Lily, the car will be here in about 30 minutes, are you sure you want to do this?” My mothers voice croaked. I looked down at the necklace connected around my neck. He got me this for Christmas.

“Okay mother. I am, I just need to do my make-up.” I spoke with no emotion. I couldn’t function. Today’s meaning made me empty. I could barely process a thought. Make-up done, I headed down the stairs, which seemed longer than usual. Awaiting at the bottom was my mother, my father and my brother. All looking at me with sad eyes. I merely looked at them, half-smiled and continued to the kitchen. I opened the fridge to find it full of food, but none that would make my appetite appear.  Un-satisfied, I slammed the fridge shut and grabbed a banana from the counter, took one bite, and threw it away. I wasn’t hungry. I couldn’t eat. Today was eating away at me, as if I were the meal.

                             “Cars here Lily, come on sweetie.” My mother spoke soothingly, rubbing my back as she guided me to the car. No-one uttered a word. I gripped my brothers hand, squeezing it gently. He rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand, which seemed to comfort me. Gazing out the window as we passed numerous trees, I sighed and let a single tear run down my cheek, before quickly wiping it away. This day came too soon for my liking. I looked over at my brother, Seth, and he smiled a sorrowed smile at me. I did nothing but look away. I couldn’t smile, not today.

                              The car came to a soft halt. One by one my family piled out the car, whilst I remained placed in my seat, the seatbelt tightly wrapped across my body, as if a glue, holding me to the seat. I wanted to get out, but my hands refused to move from my lap. “Come on Lily. You have to do this.” Seth leaned over, unbelted my seatbelt, and held out his hand. Hesitantly, I grabbed it and stepped out the car, pressing the door shut behind me. I walked forward, gripping onto his hand. I glanced at Mary, his mother. She looked heartbroken. Who could blame her. Attempting to avoid any sort of contact with his family, I kept my head down, and shuffled quickly inside the church.

                                Attempt failed. Mary saw me and rushed over, grabbing me and pulling me towards her, embracing me in one of the tightest hugs ever. Her sobs drowned out all other sounds, as I gripped onto her jacket shoving my head into her shoulder. How did this even happen? How could it have happened? She pulled away, and not a word was said. She just smiled a hopeless smile, as if reassuring me that everything’s okay, he’s still with us.

But he wasn’t.

Everyone stopped talking, hugging, shaking hands. Everyone just stopped as that car pulled up. His brother, uncles, father, best friend, and my brother all walked over to the back of the car. Gently, the each rested the white, gold-lined box on their shoulders. Taking one step at a time, they slowly walked towards the doors of the church. Up one step. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then flat. Following, I held onto Mary’s hand, slowly walking behind into the church. Sobs, footsteps and sniffles, were the only sounds to be heard.

                       Here it goes. I finally let the tears roll down my cheeks when Jason Mraz – I Won’t Give Up, started playing. Our song.