Walking Fragile Lines

I Hate Me

"Right. I totally forgot", Brian shook his head as he ruffled his own hair. He really didn't want to go anywhere, or do anything, or see anyone - but he knew he had to. It was all a part of the job.

"I'd ask them to reschedule but I don't need to tell you how the networks been lately", Joe said sadly, as if having read his mind. Brian nodded as he took a sip of coffee.

"Yeah. It's okay - it'll be a welcome distraction", Brian told him, hoping with everything he had that it would distract him, but he highly doubted it. He doubted anything less than a brick to the head would make him forget what he had done.

After taking a long shower, in an attempt to somehow wash away his guilt, Brian returned downstairs to find that Bessy had returned home, and he couldn't help feel nervous as the pair locked eyes.

"Hey Bess", he said nervously.

"Hi", she responded shortly as she organised her overnight bag on the arm of the couch. He wanted to ask her so many questions. So many questions that he knew she would probably refuse to answer, and Brian still couldn't blame her. He knew he probably shouldn't, but there was one question out of the hundreds he had that he just had to ask. He had to ask how Liv was - he needed to know that she was okay, even though a part of him already knew the answer. He just had to hear it out loud from someone who knew.

"H-how's Liv?", he stammered. Bessy immediately stopped what she was doing as she glowered at him.

"She's a mess Q", she told him simply, as if he should know. And he did. Bessy had confirmed what he feared was the answer, he just still needed to hear something for sure. But it changed nothing. Brian was only more painfully aware of what a perfect ass he had been and he really wouldn't blame Liv if she never forgave him, even though he hoped with everything he had that she would. "What shocks me more than anything is that, of all the people that could do something like this? - you were the last person I expected to go ahead and do it", Bessy told him coldly. Brian nodded, unable to speak as he hung his head in shame.

"I love her", he said quietly, a small tear escaping his eye as he watched it drop on the carpet. He heard Bessy give a heavy sigh as he kept his eyes firmly on the floor, unable to look his wife's best friend in the eye.

"I know you do", she told him, causing him to look back up at her. "You just better hope Liv knows that too", she continued before disappearing into the kitchen with the laundry from her bag.

"You ready to go man?", Joe asked as he trotted down the stairs. Brian nodded as he threw on his jacket, watching Joe say goodbye to his wife and kids before following him out to the car, envying his simple ability to be around his family and only wishing he could be around his own wife and kids right now. What he wouldn't give to be holding Liv whilst they watched TV with the kids - Brian's absolute favourite pass time. 

Brian had initially been looking forward to this punishment, but now that it was here? He couldn't care less. It had been a full day of laughter between the guys and the crew whilst they watched Murr chained helplessly to a street light in just his underwear as the guys sold his most expensive items of clothing in a public yard sale. After their day of filming had come to an end, the guys relaxed in a nearby diner the crew had hired for the day and Brian sat in the corner of their booth silently pushing around food on his plate, his appetite non-existent as he zoned out of the conversation, wondering what Liv was doing and what she was thinking.

"Everything okay man? You don't seem yourself today", Murr suddenly asked, after having finally finished sulking over his punishment. Brian looked up at his concerned friend before his gaze met Joe's.

"They're gonna find out eventually", Joe sighed. Brian sighed too, nodding his head as he ruffled his hair.

"Gonna find out what?", Sal questioned.

"I - I cheated on Liv", Brian said quietly.

"You what!?", Sal raised his voice. "Are you out of your fucking mind!?", he continued, staring him down angrily. Murr suddenly sighed, patting Brian's shoulder gently as he looked at him sadly. Brian began to tell them what happened at the bar that night, and of everything that had happened following that night and his friends stared at him blankly, the shock plastered across their faces as clear as day.

"So - so are you guys over?", Murr asked.

"I don't know", Brian answered honestly. "She said she couldn't be around me right now so - so I'm staying at Joe's place until I hear any different", he sighed. "I just - I don't even remember being attracted to her! You guys remember when Liv left and I kept hitting on girls in bars and taking them home?", he asked. The guys nodded silently as they willed him to continue. "Well, it was like that all over again. Only - I know Liv didn't leave and I know that doesn't make it right but - but I just felt numb I guess", he admitted.

"I know things have been tough between you guys lately but - that woman is the best thing that ever happened to you Q", Sal told him honestly. "We all have our rough patches! But when it gets like that? You gotta remember that you've got the damn world at your feet", he sighed as he shook his head. Sal was right. It was harsh but it was the truth, and it had only made him angrier at himself. He shouldn't have allowed it to go this far. 

Things were difficult between him and Liv, but they were nowhere as difficult as things were when she upped and left without a trace. He failed to remember that no matter how tough things may have seemed, no matter how much time they spent apart or how much they bickered, she was still his Liv, and he knew that she loved him with every inch of her heart and the feeling was mutual. Brian couldn't bear to imagine his life without her. He had already experienced life without her once before and, although she had hurt him, it had almost destroyed him. But now? He felt like he had destroyed her, and he didn't know what was worse - knowing that, or knowing that this could possibly be it for them. That he would possibly have to face life without her once more. If giving up the show or changing his entire lifestyle could save them and fix this, he would do it in a heartbeat. Brian would move heaven and earth for Liv if he could - if it meant that she would forgive him. He still struggled to believe his own actions. One moment of weakness could've cost him everything he held dear, and he hated himself for it.