𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐒 - jim halpert

salem witch trials but instead of women it's gay men

"Everybody in the conference room. I don't care if you are gay or straight or a lesbian or overweight! Just get in here! Right now!"

---------------

The conference room in Scranton wasn't that bad actually. The paint on the walls was actually a nice color, although this conversation isn't very nice. Elijah was probably the last one to make it in the conference room, whether it made it seem like he was homophobic in Michael's eyes or not, he didn't care. He just wanted the day to end so he could finally go home.

"Did you know that gay used to mean "happy"? When I was growing up it meant "lame". Now it means a man who makes love to other men. We're all homos. Homosapians. Anybody can be gay. Like hairdressers or accounts." Michael nods toward Oscar. "Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out in front of everyone here however you want to do it. Go ahead and stand." Elijah feels like rolling his eyes. Was Michael that stupid that he didn't know that's not how it worked? Apparently so.

Oscar stands, "yes, I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so whatever. Can I sit down now?"

"Who should be the judges and juries of our society," Michael says. "Judges and juries," Angela says. "Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage is not legal under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have torrid, unabashed, monkey sex as much as they could. Sounds pretty good right?" Michael giggles. Dwight raises his hand. "Yes, Dwight?"

"I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them." Elijah covers his mouth, about to groan in annoyance and Dwight's ignorance, but he didn't want the attention on himself.

Oscar also super annoyed with the whole thing, "no one else in this office is gay." "What about Phillys she makes no attempt to be feminine," Dwight says. "I'm getting married to Bob Vance." Phyllis defends herself. The entire office congratulates Phyllis, except for Elijah of course. Was he supposed to know who Bob Vance was? Was he someone important? He'd have to ask Phyllis later.

"Did you ever experiment in college?" Michael suggests. "No, you knew me in high school. We all thought you were gay in high school." Phyllis says. Michael laughs hysterically before Phyllis explains herself more, questioning his outfit choices in high school. "I just liked to look good okay?"

Oscar narrows his eyes, "you sound pretty defensive, Michael." "No, I am just coming out, myself. I am coming out hetero. If I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade, covered in feathers, and I'd be waving a rainbow flag."

"I don't think I can work here any longer," Oscar says to Toby. Eli agrees. What sane person would want to work for this crazy man? Maybe it was just the pessimist in him but he honestly believes that no one in this office really wanted to work here.

"This has been the worst, most backward day of my life." Oscar gets up to leave the room. "You misunderstand-" Michael closes the door.

"I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is." Michael opens his arms. "What are you-" "I am going to embrace Oscar. Angela, you might wanna watch this cause you can't catch anything. You and I are going to make a statement" Oscar repeatedly says no. Michael insists by stating that Oscar is his friend and leans closer trying to give him a hug.

Oscar once again repeats no but this time pushes Michael back. "I don't wanna touch you. Ever consider that? You're ignorant, insulting, and small!" Michael, clearly having his feelings hurt, tries to exit the room. Oscar apologizes and closes the door before Michael can leave.

"That was a good idea." Oscar opens his arms to hug Michael and Michael breaks down in a fit of tears in Oscar's arms apologizing to Oscar for calling him "faggy". It could almost be a touching sight if Elijah had more empathy, but he couldn't care less.

"I want all of you to watch this and I want you to burn it into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this." "We don't need to-" Oscar tries to lean away from his boss. "Yes, we do." Michael kisses Oscar much to everyone's dismay.

It's not a very pleasant sight to see, especially since Oscar doesn't seem to like it, but Elijah can admit that it took guts for this unintentionally homophobic man to kiss a gay man.

"You see I'm still here. We're all still here"

Kevin claps before Dwight gets up and tries to kiss Oscar too. Michael pulls him away, "Oh, come on, Dwight. Come on, man!"

---------------

Elijah sighs and takes one look at the camera, his back positioned toward the window in view of Phyllis and Stanley.

"I probably should've spoken up and told them I'm gay too. Eh, I'll tell Oscar when he comes back. Let him know he's got a gay buddy in the office or whatever."

---------------

Dwight opens a package and pulls out a letter "Hope this helps. Jim." Eli raises his eyebrow in question and Pam leans over her desk after hearing the name Jim. Dwight then proceeds to pull out a machine that says gaydar with three words on the front, homo, bi, and hetero. "Nice."

Walking over to the accountant clump, Dwight scans Oscar with the gaydar device and it beeps and lights up. "It works," Dwight lowers the device to walk to someone else before the device beeps and lights up again, accidentally scanning himself. "Oh no."

For the first time since the transfer, Elijah makes an effort to grin.

──author's notes:

on the podcast office ladies with jenna fischer (pam) and angela kinsley (angela) they talk about how whenever a character is doing an interview in the conference room and the background is the office it means they don't have a future outside the office, but if the background is of the window to the outside world it means they have a future beyond this mediocre job.

this chapter is a little short but we're just getting started

y'all get my season 8 reference of angela's adultery

──shameless self-plug time:

the office:

art school - pam beesly
pam is finally achieving her dream, getting into pratt institute, but maybe there's someone waiting in brooklyn who's better off than the one waiting in scranton. <pam beesly x female!oc>

it:

back to the future - the losers club
joanna would say she had an okay life, despite the fact that her father is slightly distant, everything was okay. just okay that is. average, okay, plain, what other words could she use? after tagging along to her dad's childhood reunion her life goes from okay to badshit insane <no love interest/tbd/female!oc insert>

──random fact of the fanfic update:

around 50-85% of the world's oxygen comes from phytoplankton!

sources: 

https://earthsky.org/earth/how-much-do-oceans-add-to-worlds-oxygen

https://www.researchgate.net/post/What_is_the_contribution_of_marine_planktons_to_the_oxygen_in_the_atmosphere