fall away

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5:00 am
he woke up again today, the night hadn't come to an end and the darkness still coated every single place, the only light was from the moon and the street lights, the world seemed different early in the morning.
he stood up from his bed, still refusing to turn off the lights cause it's better to live off in the dark, grabbed a bottle of pills and took three, took another bottle, two pills and a half. it's the only thing keeping him half alive, it continued til the prescription medication was all taken, according to what the doctor had said it would make him feel okay but it just feels worse and worse everyday.
he grabbed clothes still in the dark, a black long sleeve shirt and black cargo pants, black is a classy color, it's better to let unseen the things you want to hide.
he walked into the bathroom and dimmed the lights, dressing up being careful not to see a little too much, avoiding his arms and legs, we all know what's there but it's better if we don't talk about it.
walking down the stairs the path seemed infinite, trying not to let himself be alone with his own thoughts, he stepped out the door with earphones locking him away from his mind,
he walked past a cemetery, the doors were closed and the grass was wet, it's better to keep walking, he doesn't want to think about ending up there, he doesn't want to think about what will happen tomorrow, what if today is the last day? he doesn't want to think, he doesn't want to think anything at all because his own mind is like a weapon, ready to hurt and kill.

i took the long way to school, the sweater i put on today wasn't enough, the cold morning air leaked through and felt like it was freezing me inside and out, but i kind of like it like that, it feels not far to what i'm used to, small raindrops occasionally fell on my face, i could hear my heavy footsteps on the gravel, the music couldn't coat that sound, but i guess it's fine.
i checked my phone to see if i had time,
5:43 am
i guess it's fine, i shouldn't have left the house so early but i want to be out of there for as long as i can, the rain didn't seem to get any worse, but it didn't get any better either, i can't complain about it, it's nice to feel some of it drop and fall from the sky to the ground,
some things are nice, some things make me feel okay, some things make me not have to think, and i think that really feels okay.
i walked around an open shop, i stop by every day, every morning, to buy the exact same thing
"tord, hello"
the shop owner greeted me, i smiled, a fake smile, but i'm good at pretending to make it look real.
i'm still not ready to talk, it's too early, i just want my voice to go around in my head for a while
i payed and left, i uncapped the coffee and took a long sip out of it, it's not the healthiest thing but i've been doing it for so long it feels kind of weird if i don't.
there's a lot of unhealthy things i like to do
you just heard my name, tord, i like that name, it feels like me, but not many people don't know my name, many people don't know my age, they don't know my voice and they don't know what's beneath.
they just see me as someone else passing by
and i don't blame them because i don't know them any more than they don't me, and i don't care to know what happens behind the curtains, as tough as that seems, i have my own things to deal with.

how did time go by so fast? i was just walking, i was just walking and thinking.
it's now 7:52 am and i'm ready to go in school.
the gates are open, the sky is still dark, it's too cloudy to let the sun shine in, and i like it like that.

i dropped my things in the same place i always sit, in the back, corner, behind a wall where i think no one sees me, there are a few people who talk to me, but they still don't know what's underneath and i don't think they'll care anyway, and i don't want them to care, it's better like this, i'm better off by myself.
time goes by quick when i'm with my own mind, i reached in my backpack for something to scribble on, to let my brain throw up whatever it's been holding
i found a note
scribbled and crumbled
and the only thing it says is

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i think i remember what it was about