Thoughts(Nobody_The_Third)

meh

I guess titles are a minor nuisance, like I have to have one to publish and I suck at titles anyway.
So titles will be random, just a heads up.

Jealousy sucks, it's part of life but it sucks.
That feeling of knowing you will never have something and then seeing someone else get it easily.
Okay I'm too frigging sad right now to write, I'll write later.

Okay, I'm starting this a few days later, looking back I was definitely overreacting😅, I think that if I can't bear seeing someone else enjoying time while they are hanging out with someone else (see what I did there), then something is wrong with your relationship (friendship or whatever) with that first someone else. It's too constrictive and possibly manipulative (of course there will always be exceptions).

Opinions are terrible and like a few terrible things beautiful as well.
They give us our individualism, but they also give us conflict, wars and violence. A ying yang of opinions 😂.
My point is that I accept that not all of my opinions will be right, or true. And I'm sure that there will be other people who's opinions make more sense.
So if you're reading this and you disagree with something, leave a comment or message me. Because I would love to have my opinion changed, if someone does actually change my opinion I don't think I'll edit out the part that was 'wrong' I'll leave it up there but make another part that has a different opinion. So if you see any hypocritical opinions it's because my opinion has changed since I wrote the last one.

I'll add some more later when I'm feeling better.

So, it's later. I've had a really fun day, I've hung put with all my friends. But like always I'm starting to feel so tired, and with the tiredness I'm starting to feel sad as fuck. So, in the tradition of things, I'm writing it down.

So to help myself make sense of things I'm going to write what happened. There is this super amazing person I like that is in my friend group, we just really vibe and connect. Throughout the day we cuddled a few times. So like the terrible guy I am I thought she actually liked me. But, I've kinds realised she does it to everyone, and the worse thing is is that its hard to accept.

It's not very dramatic, or very emotional, but in my tired headspace it is so terrible. I feel betrayed even though I haven't been, and I need to realise that she is having fun, and I have had such a fun day with her, so if we both had fun then it's alright. I still can't help but feel a little sad. Tbh it's most likely just my mood using it as an excuse to be sad.

On another note, I've been having a massive amount of fun at school, doing so much work and feeling very productive, but I still cannot help but feel like my life is missing something, that I need something to do in my spare time.
Anyway, that's it for today,  already starting to feel a bit better after writing things down. I'll add to it later like always.

I can feel the weight of depression crushing me, some days I feel so happy, and then I fall.

I need to learn coping mechanisms, figure out triggers and do journal entries. But why bother, I don't mean anything to anyone anyway.

I  can tell myself that I am worth something, that people care about me. But always, there is a voice, telling me I am stupid to even think that.

I sometimes spend days just going over my failures, over analysing every small thing that people say, always trying to tear myself down.

I see now why people call life a rollercoaster. I don't have much experience with rollercoaster but now I can imagine.

There's this person, they make me want to live. I feel like I could become a better person for them. But I still doubt myself, I feel like I am there too much, that I will be too needy or stress them out.

Maybe I just need to try, to keep my head down and don't stop, plough through life and just do what others tell me, but I would be better off dead than living someone else's life. But that's what it feels like, constantly working away on not upsetting people. Always trying not to fail.

Why am I always sad. I enjoy friends, but I don't think I deserve them, I always drag them into my sadness, sharing my burden. I'm scared that it is totally selfish of me to do that. I feel I have to take my problems into my own hands, if I learn how to deal with them I won't mess up other's lives. I still feel so hopeless, I have no control over my life, emotions and thoughts. At least I can write them down, to look over later and learn from it.

Some days I am happy. Then the next I am submerged in sadness, I feel like I am drowning. Perhaps it is Bi Polar. I am scared of thinking that because I don't want too much attention, others deserve it, and not me.

Perhaps the relationships I am in with friends are not healthy. We need to talk. I feel like I want to talk to them, but I can't talk to them, they talk to me. But I talk to much. I push them away. I can't deal with overstimulation, too many people, a noisy room, it makes me crazy, I respond very strongly. I suddenly feel like I'm on a sugar high, I cannot read emotions, tell what to do, I say things, and do things, that I could have said and done a lot better if I had not been manic. I am sorry. I feel like it is my fault and not yours.