As I sit here day in and day out wondering what if, what if you had not died on March 21, 2018. Would our relationship get any better than what it was? Or would things still remain the same? I often sit and wonder what it would be like if you would have taken the time to help raise me. Would I have turned out the way that I did? Or would I be worse? In all honesty, can it get any worse than this? On the outside, I seem to be a nice looking gentleman to the world. Oh, but what lies beneath the surface. The hurt, the doubt, the confusion, the questions. In my humble opinion a complete mess. But like I said my opinion. I replay your death in my very quite often and some days I still can't believe that you are gone. Just like that poof! Why does life have to be this way? You left me without any answers. No goodbye, see you later. Nothing! Nothing! Inside I screaming! I can't say that I hate you. I just hate the fact that I tried so many years to have a relationship with you. I knew of your strongholds but none of that really mattered to me! I wanted to know you for you. I wanted to know where I got my smarts from. My wittiness. I have your looks, I am almost a replica of you. The older I get the more I see your image in the mirror. I haven't been myself since you departed. I don't know if it is true if you can see me or not. After you passed away, a few times I thought I felt your presence. But maybe I was just fooling myself and my mind was playing tricks on me. Although, this is about to sound crazy. For like a week after you perished, a grasshopper was on my car every morning when I got off work. Now that was weird. And I said to myself "I wonder if my dad is watching me?" After that, I never felt your presence anymore and was sad once again. I tried to write to heal the void you had left behind. Who am I kidding there is nothing that can replace the hurt that I have here down here on earth. I opted to get therapy, but my pride stepped in. I didn't want people to think I, me Warren Cleveland not to be able to handle a situation. When have I not been able to handle something? The biggest joke ever. I needed therapy and I was just being a coward! Slowly dying on the inside I just wanted to be loved! And not just any love, but the love a man shows his firstborn child. I may never know what that love feels like. I guess that's ok I was able to do it through my own offspring. I don't care about the notion that everything happens for a reason and that maybe if you were around I wouldn't have loved my children the same. None of that matters because you were not around and I love my children with everything in me. So screw the what-if theory. This all boils down to the fact that I am hurting. I am hurting and it has been almost 2 years since the departure. It feels like I am writing the same things over. I am only trying to be free. Release what I feel into the atmosphere. I wonder what does it feel like not to care, not to feel, but to actually go numb to circumstances. I haven't let this defy who I am, I just don't know how to move forward.
