I Remember Loving You (Sarah Paulson x Reader)

Chapter 4: Old Memories

No. I refuse to die!

The pain I was feeling in my chest was unreal, it felt as if my body was crumbling from the inside out. I still couldn't take in a single breath, I was trying so desperately to call for Sarah but to avail. I couldn't even make a sound, nothing; just a pathetically quiet croak.

Think, what's happening? What can I do? What caused this? Just calm down, think. The razor, I looked at the razor, that's when I felt this pain. Do I have a phobia of them? Why?
Without realising my sleeves had rose up my arms from my frantic movements, I looked down and saw scars, thing white lines across my wrist and forearm. Why hadn't I noticed them before? Have they just appeared? No, that's crazy, they've always been there, I just haven't paid attention...right? The biggest question I have though, why did I cut myself? Was mine and Sarah relationship really bad and I felt miserable? No that couldn't be true, what if...no that's crazy, I couldn't have been through some rough stuff that led me to do it, right? Sarah did mention that I'd been some bad things but just how bad was it? God, so many thoughts and questions are racing through my head, I feel like I'm going insane. Calm down, just clear your mind, focus on stopping this pain.

I leaned forward and hastily turned the tap for the cold water before cupping my hand and drinking the water to try and add some moisture to my throat to hopefully ease the pain of trying to breathe. It worked, the cold water against my skin and throat made my senses sharpen and I could take in quick and short breaths.

It's progress, right, now that you can breathe, try to calm down. Think of something that calms you. Oh right, no memories. Great. Think, THINK! What calms me...

The image of Sarah holding my hand popped into my head, her warm, soft skin against mine, the touch another human being, that made me feel warm all over. The pain started to ease as I closed my eyes and focused on this random thought. Her smile, her energy, she radiates beauty and love. I smiled to myself as the grip on my clothes that I had against my chest was beginning to loosen. A short while passed before I realised I had completely calmed down. I opened my eyes and fell back into reality, the sweet thoughts of Sarah, quickly fading from my minds eye.

Since I wasn't dying from a heart attack, I'm guessing that was just an intense anxiety attack, or a panic attack, I couldn't really say which one it was. I wasn't afraid so surely it wasnt a panic induced attack. I didn't feel anxious either but that episode still happened. I don't know, was I prone to having these? God, I hope not.

I left the bathroom after cleaning up and washing my face, I made my way back to the front room where Sarah was. She was busy on her laptop with a fluffy blanket over her, "hey you, you alright?" She asked. I nodded and smiled, lying through my teeth as I told her I was fine and was just admiring the bathroom. She laughed at my words, "well you were the one who decorated it."
"I was?" I laughed. "Well I have excellent taste apparently." I continued. Sarah beckoned me over as she pulled the blanket off her right side for me to sit with her. I walked over and sat next to her, she wrapped the blanket around me and shuffled closer to me, "look at these, it's pictures of us from the last few years, I was thinking they might jog some memories." She said, I smiled weakly, "I mean you don't have to, if you just wanna take it easy, we could watch a movie or something, or I could just leave you alone, do you want to be alone?" She asked, I could feel the tension. I don't blame her for being this way, we've apparently been together for years and suddenly I don't know who she is and she's talking to a stranger. "No." I say firmly, "I want to be here with you, show me these pictures, show me our love." I say with pure assurance filling my voice. Sarah's eyes began to water again, she pulled me closer and lay her head on my shoulder as she hugged me tightly. "I love you." She whispered quietly. She thinks I didn't hear her but I did and oh boy, It made me feel so good inside to hear her say those words.

Sarah opened a folder titled "Us" that had a little heart emoticon next the name. It had hundreds of photos in it. There were pictures of us out on, what I assume, was a holiday, pictures of us cuddled in bed, pictures of us individually where either I'd taken it of her or she'd taken it of me. She was exceedingly beautiful in every single photo whereas pictures of me felt as if I were staring into the eyes of a stranger. With each new photo that appeared on screen, the more I felt lost, this was me, my life, but it was so alien to me. I started to tear up, feeling so hurt over seeing how happy I was compared to now, Sarah looked over to me and I felt her pull me even closer, she had her arm around me and stroked my head as I began to lean forward to weep on her lap. She stroked my hair down to my neck and didn't say a thing, she just let me weep, I think she knew how I had to let it out; the pain.

I want to remember you, I want to remember us. I want what I had before this. I want my memories back. I want my LIFE back. I'm so sorry, Sarah, you're hurting too but I don't know who I was before this to even treat you the way I used to. What if I can never go back? What if my life is no longer with you? I feel so weak...