In some cases size does not matter. For instance, if I wanted to put some soup into a jar the only thing that would matter about that situation would be the amount of soup going into the jar. The size of the jar would not matter, but the amount of soup would. In this case though, size Matters a lot. The size of your pants, the size of your shirt, the size of your wrist, there's many more, but the main one is the size of you. I looked at the scale at least once a day, sometimes twice. The scale would read my weight, and my weight would debate on if I ate. The less I ate the smaller I got, but if I ate exactly what I wanted I'd weigh myself after that meal or snack and see how much I would gain. If I gained a lot I would lock myself away in my room, lay on my bed, sit there for awhile, and then fall asleep. I would not sleep for just a few hours though. I would sleep sometimes throughout a whole day. Sleeping made me feel good, and it didn't make me feel as sick as I felt when I was awake. When I was asleep my size wouldn't matter. The only thing that mattered then was my dreams but when I woke up in the morning, or the middle of the night, I had to go back to feeling the empty hole in my stomach. The feeling of the little aches and pains of craving a meal. The little knots I got when I was afraid my parents would catch on. You see hiding it in the summer was a lot easier than hiding it in the middle of the school year. Because during school youre around all your friends and peers and if you skip a school lunch the whole world seems to stop and people are asking you a million questions of why you wouldn't eat. So I began to plan everything out. I would eat only enough to make people not be as concerned, and I was ever so careful that nobody knew I had something wrong with me. I never thought something was wrong with me though because I was being noticed for my "beauty." Many days I had plenty of guys telling me how gorgeous I was and I loved the attention, so I figured the skinnier I got the prettier I would get. Most of the girls on my school are as LEAST 100lbs and at that time I weighed about 130lbs maybe 140lbs, but that was not enough. I wanted to be as beautiful as every girl walking the hallways. I wanted be called skinny and I wanted to know I was okay and that I was 100lbs. But no matter how much I starved I could not get to 100. I was so angry because in the eyes I was fat and hideous. Anytime someone commented how pretty I was I pushed it away and never believed it. I had guys telling me I was "Thick" when you could see my bones. I will say no girl wants to be called "thick" when she's starving to become a twig. I felt unloved and began to search for love. I dated a few guys but they all mentally hurt me. So now not only was I anorexic, but I had became severely depressed. When I was younger I was diagnosed with anxiety but now that I was older it had gotten worse. I was having multiple panic attacks and depressive meltdowns a week and I started to concern my mother. She took me to the doctor and I was put on meds. The meds make me sick so I had to go back and I went from one pill to three. The pills weren't so bad because they helped me fake my smiles, but it was the fact the now I had to live with knowing I was "messed up." One day I had gotten sick from having very low blood sugar and started passing out on my bathroom floor. I was crying and trying to call out to my brother and father who were the only ones home at the time. My brother came and saw me, but didn't even help me. I crawled my way down the stairs just to get some yogurt in me. While I ate my yogurt and drank water my dad came over and started yelling at me saying I needed to eat and if Jesus were to come back I may not make it. That scared me enough to make myself try to get better. I finally motivated myself to try and eat normally every single day and I spent a lot of time working on myself and my spiritual time with God. I realized I didn't need boys and I've been single for the most part ever since. I realized that I needed food and that not eating hurt me more than I thought. I grew to love food and now I realized how amazing it truly is. I went from 130lbs to now 190lbs and I'm extremely happy with the way I look. I have gained slef confidence and I have also found out how truly beautiful I am. I decided to write this little story to give other people hope. If you're starving and self harming don't give up. You got this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel so keep on chugging until you get there because I promise it's worth it. Your life is so precious and so meaningful, and if you don't feel loved I want you to know right now that I love you and so does God. Please do me a favor and talk to someone because even though you're embarrassed and scared someone out there will understand so don't lose hope.
Thank you for this.
-Joella Patterson.
