War of Change | Book 3

23: Damaged

A loud scoff came out of my mouth, followed by a string of bitter laughter. I put my face into my hands. "I knew this would happen," I sighed. "This is why I wanted to stay as Aoshi. I should have stayed as Aoshi. None of this would have happened. Death never affected her."

"No!" Suki snapped. "You're Kida. You're the girl who's been through death and destruction a thousand times and keeps going. You won't be labeled as being some man's girlfriend. You'll be labeled as the warrior who helped win this war because you're going to get through this, and you're going to do exactly that."

Another sigh seeped from my mouth as I looked down. "Not according to that play. As it is, that's all anyone sees me as. Death in tight fur, kissing any boy I see before I put a noose around his neck. As far as the Fire Nation is concerned, I'm the source of all evil."

"It also said we would lose the war, and we aren't going to."

"How do you know?"

"Kida!"

"I have no doubt in Aang's ability to take down the Fire Lord," I admitted. "But... do you really think the world's going to be better after that? It's been through a hundred years of non-stop war, and it had been at war thousands of times before that. It's always at war. Why not just let the world finally swallow itself up? Why keep fighting it?"

"I thought you were just talking about being mad at yourself because you wouldn't be ready in time to help win the war. Now you want to give up on winning completely?" Suki exclaimed, exasperated.

"I don't know what I want!" I bellowed. "I don't know. I want this world to be at peace, and I want to help get it there, but it never will be, no matter what we do. There will always be people who hate other people, and the cycle will just keep going." I grasped my head between my hands, shaking it hard. "The world is as damaged as me, so why keep trying to fight its nature? Why not just let it implode on itself? No matter how hard we try to fix it, it's not going to be fixed. It's broken. Let it be broken."

"You're just frustrated because the training isn't working right now," Suki attempted.

"You're right!" I exclaimed. "I am frustrated. I want to fix me, and I want to fix the world, but I'm having trouble believing either of those is possible."

***

I stomped into my bedroom. I was done with all of this. I was done with Suki and her self-righteous talk. I was done with everyone thinking I was this thing that they could fix. I was done.

My muscles were tight and hot. All I wanted to do was punch something, but at the same time, I just wanted to sleep.

"Kida."

The warmth in my knuckles faded as the voice registered in my ear. A soft chill fell over my shoulders like someone's guiding hands were turning me towards the person in my doorway.