Fight through the darkness

To The Light

When I was younger I always believed that I would get married, have kids and a nice job by this age. But as the years came, I seemed stuck in the same place. Like I couldn't move out of this darkness around me. All I could do was sit there, in the darkness, and hope one day it would release me.

For years I was fighting on my own against this monster that was invading my brain. This monster that smothered every good memory, leaving broken pieces in its place. After years of this fight I was so tired of it. It made me want to give up on myself and just end it all. But something happened, a small light appeared. It was miniscule, but it was invading my space. For the first time in 10 years I raised my head and looked forward.

A hand reached out to me, slowly making me take step by step. Cracks started forming in the dark shield around my mind, slivers of light invading me. Guided by the Berlin skyline I found a way to pull myself up. I started to discover myself, started to find who I am. I realized that the parts of myself that I always hated, weren't that bad after all. Small smiles started escaping, driving the monster back into a corner. My friends reaching out to me, inviting me into the light. Acceptance without conditions, without asking for anything in return.

For the first time in my life I started to feel okay with who I am. For the first time I felt like I could fly. When I had bad days my friends would show me it was okay to be sad, but not to drown in it. They showed me there wasn't anything wrong with me. They showed me hope. This made it the hardest decision ever to move back to the Netherlands, to leave those that saved me behind. But you can't run from your demons, no matter how hard you try. So I took the challenge and went back.

It was so hard to take that step, it was the biggest fight of my life. I went back to the town of my tortured existence, to fight demons that had been with me throughout my childhood. My mind stronger than before, filled with a battle between dark and light. Slowly breaking down every barrier my demons had created. Opening my heart to possibility and love. I'm far from being healed and I probably won't ever be completely healthy. But I have the will to keep fighting and find my way forward. Most of all, I'm determined to find my way to him. To those blue eyes that cracked the shield, creating possibilities for me to save myself. To the man who has held my heart for so many years, even before I realized how deep these feelings ran.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I can't give up.