The Then And Now of Despondency

What An Echo Is: Overgeneralize

(Ironically, I was taken to the hospital Junior worked at. I put him as an emergency contact if shit should ever pop off with me so my family, mainly my mom, wouldn’t have to worry about me. He was the one who sedated me and signed my papers for my release. Probably not the best idea, but I would’ve really cracked up if I stayed in a place I didn’t know during this dark eclipse of the soul for any longer.)

 

So much went wrong…

So much went wrong…

I shouldn’t have distracted her…

She was the passenger, she was co-pilot to Nettie…

Nettie had worse vision than she did, she was Nettie’s extra set of better eyes for the road…

She shouldn’t have been the one to fix that GPS.

There were three other, perfectly capable adults in the back seat who could’ve fixed it.

She should’ve been focused solely on the road…

I shouldn’t have been so lazy. I should’ve offered to fix it, it was a simple as fuck machine. She could’ve seen the truck, she could’ve warned Nettie ahead of time to get the fuck out the way.

I should’ve told Nettie and Tabitha to jump off her dick, to stop snapping at her for something that she didn’t have any control over.

     “You can’t figure out a simple GPS?”

          “You gotta be faster than that, I don’t know where I’m going.”

     “Is it still fucking up? Okay, no, if you can’t figure it out then give it here.”

          “Naw, let her figure it out. She’s the passenger, passengers have duties.”

     “She’s failing at it.”

          “No shit.”

     “Are you listening?”

          “It shouldn’t be that hard. You put it in right, didn’t you?”

     “Come on, advance placement student, figure it out.”

          “I don’t feel like being lost like last time and go to another toll.”

     “How the fuck did that happen?”

          “She didn’t tell me where to go fast enough.”

     “Perfect. And now she’s going too slow to fix the GPS.”

          “Not if she wants me to keep doing shit for her she won’t.”

It’s my fault, they were fucking harpies and it got to her.

I knew when she was angry, her face would blank but her eyes could boil liquid asphalt. And I knew when she was starting to get upset, she’d start to eat at the skin in her mouth. The more upset she was, the more she’d go from inside her mouth to chewing on her lip. She was peeling a piece of skin off her bottom lip when they were brow beating her.

I let it happen…

I let it happen… I was surprised at their behavior sure, but I still let it happen.

I didn’t help her out, I just let her stay distracted... Let her chew until it became raw, let her eat a part of herself so she could help along with her disappearing into herself…

She was upset and angry and anxious, I knew and saw all of this but I still didn’t help her.

If only I had told them to fuck off on her behalf…

And then I cracked some stupid jokes

(Ajax turned her head to smile at me and my joke)

and preoccupied her further.

She looked at ME, not the road, not the traffic.

She didn’t see the truck, she couldn’t see the truck, because she was looking at me.

I wanted to stop her from cannibalizing on herself from anxiety, I wanted to see her smile to let me know she was didn’t let them bother her, I wanted the knots in her forehead to loosen from her repressing her tears.

I wanted to make myself feel better for failing her when she needed a voice to intervene for her.

I was selfish… self-seeking…

Stupid… Imprudent…

It’s my fault…

So much went wrong…

So much blood…

    “…bye…”

My fault…

I killed her.

I hurt our friends.

I fucked up Nettie’s car.

I broke Nettie’s ribs.

I made her look like a corpse on a meat hook.

I nearly scalped Shawn.

I made Tabitha’s insides bleed.

I broke her arm and nearly her neck.

I killed her… I killedhermeididitiwasselfish.

I made her back twist the wrong fucking way.

I made her look like twisted taffy in her seat.

I made her suffer.

She suffered because of me. She held on because I wanted her to. She could’ve died easily, peacefully, if I didn’t beg her to stay.

To stay

   to stay

To stay longer with me, to hold on for me.

How fucking selfish am I?!

She was in agony and I didn’t fucking care.

She was bleeding her last and I wanted her to bleed more.

She could barely open her eyes and I wanted to see the sun set behind her blood smeared windows.

I kept her talking while her insides were turning into got damn putty, while her spine kept further chipping and twisting in her body.

I couldn’t even… She needed to hear someone say… something, anything!

Even when she said…

I couldn’t—I failed.

I failed.

I failed.

I failed.

I couldn’t breathe the cold out of her fast enough…

My fault…

I killed her…

(This is around the time I started losing chunks of time. Losing pieces of myself to the ever turning hands of the clock.)