Peppa Pig and her not so amazing adventures.

Peppa Pig - chapter one

Peppa pig lived in a basic house. It was the type of house that stupid three year olds could draw with a square shape, three window s and one door. Peppa despised her house and called it her worst nightmare - her words not mine. The house was situated on a very steep hill. So steep was this hill that animals who hadn't done exercise for a good while often died from heart attacks when walking up it.
This meant that Peppa and her family had to drive up and down the hill instead of walking. Some said that this was a big part of the reason to why they were all so fat.

Peppa lived with her little brother George, who was a clingy little twat, Mummy pig, who ripper off spiders legs to use as fake eyelashes and Daddy pig who looked like a red tennis ball. He was also a nonce.

On the sunny morning that this story starts, George was cracking eggs on Mummy and Daddy pig's bed, Daddy Pig was looking at people with binoculars like the old creep he was and Mummy pig was killing spiders for her fake eyelashes. Peppa was moaning around complaining that she didn't have any friends. She blamed her Mum for some weird reason to do with her being too embarrassing. However the real reason that Peppa had no friends was because she was a big pain in the arse and a big bitch.

"Muuummy, schools starting again soon and I still have no friends.It's your fault for being so embarrassing!" Peppa screeched so loud that Daddy Pig from the garden had to take a break from watching a woman's bottom to put his hands over his ears.
Mummy pig sighed. "Stop being such a shit stirrer Peppa. You have no friends because no one likes you. Now go upstairs to play with George and practice being more likeable."
Peppa was extremely offended and she crossed her arms and gasped angrily.
"But George is really fucking weird!" she whined.
Mummy pig scowled and looked up from killing a spider.
"I know. I should have had that abortion when I had the chance." She said.
Peppa was shocked and opened her mouth wide. Mummy pig saw her reaction and tried to reassure her.
"Don't worry Peppa! I don't regret having you! Why would I when you're free labour?!" Mummy pig smiled.
Peppa flipped her off and walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards the sounds of George's giggles. He was now bouncing on his parents bed, sending egg yolk flying up to the ceiling. When Peppa came in, she was shocked but after a second she smiled. She fucking hated her parents and therefore decided to join in on the fun.

Half an hour later, and Peppa and George were lying on the king size bed with a broken mattress and staring at the eggs on the ceiling. Downstairs, they heard the bell ring. Peppa had always been a curious little twat so she sneaked out to the stairs and listened to the conversation. It had appeared that Mummy Pig's friend had come round. Her friend was a white rabbit with two vertical pointed ears. Her name was Beatrice but Peppa preferred to call her Dildo Head.
"Hi Beatrice!" Mummy pig squealed, "How nice to see you again, it's been ages! Come in! Come in!"
Dildo head shuffled in with her pink crocs -ew- and looked mummy pig up and down.
" You look well. But is there something you need to tell me? Are you pregnant?" She said and looked at Mummy pig's enormous stomach.

Mummy pig turned even more red than she a
ready was and coldly said, " No, what would have made you think that?"
Dildo head stuttered and said, "Oh.. n...nothing" but she said this while staring at Mummy pig's  stomach again, giving it away.
"Are you calling me fat? YOU UGLY SHIT!" Mummy pig screamed. Her eyes widened even more and Dildo head cowered away and tried to calm her down. But it was too late.

Before Peppa even knew it, Mummy pig had literally kicked Dildo head out of the house, causing her to fly through the air and land at the bottom of the hill.
"YOU FAT FUCK!" Mummy pig screamed one last time before slamming the door. Peppa shuddered and decided to go hang around Tesco. She had a secret weed stash and was planning to smoke it. So she grabbed her north face jacket, adidas tracksuit and cap and walked out of the house.
Peppa couldn't drive as she was only 7 but she decide that she wasn't going to risk a heart attack from walking up the hill as she hadn't done exercise for 3 years.
She took the car despite not knowing how to drive. She actually did surprisingly well and only damaged two buildings and caused one person to go to hospital in an ambulance. After hanging around Tesco and smoking weed for a bit, Peppa had had enough and went to the pub where she knocked out a barrister with a shovel and stole 3 pints of beer. When driving back, Peppa was so drunk that she accidentally killed two rabbits and one pig. It wasn't too bad though as when the badger police came round later to arrest the person driving in the car, Peppa just blamed it on Daddy pig as she was fed with him for watching her creepily. He was escorted to the police station and Peppa was certain that she was a genius. After all no one would believe that a 7 year old pig would have driven to Tesco, smoked weed, assaulted someone, chugged 3 pints of beer and killed 3 people.

This story is really fucked up. I'm sorry if i offended any of you as it's all a joke so dw. 🙃 I'll try and have another chapter soon 😂 x