it's not christmas until you're home| Dongjun

it's not christmas until you're home

25. December

It's christmas morning and I wake up at 07:00 am. Yuchan is still snoring in the bed next to mine as I get up and make my way downstairs. The rest of my family is also still asleep and I decide to go for a walk, making sure not to wake up anyone. 

Outside it's only a slight dawn, the cold air is blowing away the rest of my tiredness.  We got more snow over night and in the slight light everything looks untouched and silent. I'm glad my parents house isn't in a big city, I love that they're living on the country side with the small lake half an hour away. We use to walk there every christmas before dinner but today I'm gonna do it myself, early in the morning. 

I brought my dad's flashlight with me and with that I'm searching my way through the snowy path. The silence is comforting in that moment and I let my thoughts run free. It's like I need to think in this moment, I have space and nobody around me. Obviously my mind runs directly to Donghun, to last christmas when our world was still okay. 

I see his face in my head, his pretty smile and his eyes reflecting the winter sun. It was as if he was carrying a part of that light in his eyes, little stars that were glowing as soon as he started to smile. I wonder if anyone else ever has noticed this. Did somebody tell him how beautiful he is in the mean time? Does he get the affection he needs on a daily basis? A secret wish comes up in my mind... how great it would be to feel his hand inside of mine right now. 

I slowly shake my head.  This is none of my business and I should definitely not think about this like that. He's a grown man and it's been over eight months since we broke up. With that thought I put away Donghun and focus on the lake in front of me. It's not frozen like it was last year but the whole sight looks magical with the snow and the trees around it. I spent so much time as a kid at this lakeside,  I always came here when I needed some space or some silence. As I come up to the trees where I use to sit as a kid, a little smile shows up on my lips. A short moment later I sit on the lowest branch of the oldest tree at the edge of the wood... just like I did back then. I enjoy the view and close my eyes for a bit to enjoy the silence and the quite murmur of the water. 

When I open my eyes again, I notice that the sun slowly starts to rise, the clouds are pink and orange. A wonderful view and a perfect start for a lonely christmas day. 

The sudden noise of steps in the snow comes to my ears and I look around in surprise. Who would be here around this time? Maybe it's a fisherman who's trying his luck very early, I think to myself and search for the person. It looks like a man but he has nothing with him... so no fisherman. There aren't that many houses around the lake, the next village is half an hour with the car. Why would somebody get up so early to come here? The stranger stops a few steps in front of the water and starts to search for something in the snow. A few moments later he picks up a stone and starts throwing it as far as he can into the water. 

A memory comes back to my head; Donghun throwing stones into the water on christmas days. And I could swear, the way the stranger moves, reminds me really of my ex boyfriend. But that's my brain going crazy, there's nothing to be worried about. Donghun is miles away, problably with his family. I can't take my eyes of  the stranger as he throws around five more stones into the cold water. 

All of a sudden he turns around and our eyes meet straight away. It's like a lightning rushes through my body as I look into those dark brown eyes who feel so familiar. But there are no stars in them, no glowing and no more sunshine. For a long time, none of us is saying something. We both are so surprised to see each other that nothing happens. 

"D.. Donghun?" I ask with a husky voice as I found her again, my heart beats like crazy and I can feel that I'm shaking. He comes closer and stops in front of the tree. "Is it really you?" he asks as he looks up to me. His voice sounds deep and husky and makes me shake even more. "What are you doing here?" I ask nervously, not knowing how to act. "I could ask you the same question." he says. 

"Couldn't sleep." we both say at the same time, looking at each other in surprise. A little giggle escapes Donghuns lips and I can't but pull my lips into a smile. "What are you doing up there?" he asks, pulling down the hood of his coat. My eyes widen as I notice his pink, short hair. "Oh... yeah, that was an experiment." he says, rolling his eyes, I have to smile again. 

"Are you having childhood flashbacks up there?" he asks with a cheeky smile on his lips. "You remember this?" I ask in surprise and decide to get down before I fall down and embarrass myself. "Of course I do. How could I forget anything about you, Park Junhee?" he says as I stand in front of him. I can feel how my cheeks are getting warm. Why is he here and why is he saying such things? I wasn't prepared at any level for something like this. 

"How are you?" he whispers, looking into my eyes. "I..." "I miss you." he says before I'm able to answer his question. "I wanted to come to your parents house because I knew that you're gonna be here today and I wanted to say sorry. But now..." he says with a shaking voice, I can tell that he's more than nervous. "Donghun, I..." "I know. You're over this and it's dumb that I say stuff like this. Since I was the one who started the whole breakup thing. I thought this was right but I was an idiot. I didn't knew what I had with you, Junhee. You're the most precious thing I've ever had and I threw you away like you were nothing, I'm deeply sorry for this. And I don't expect you to accept this, I was being so horrible, I can imagine what you're thinking right now..." 

"Donghun, stop." I interrupt him and take his hands into mine. "It's... it's okay. We all make mistakes." I say, my voice is now shaking as well. "I accept your apology." I say without thinking anymore about this. This moment is so pure and full of honesty, there's nothing more to think about. Our eyes meet again and I can see the tears in his eyes. "Baby, don't cry please." I whisper and put my hands on his cheeks, while my tears are rising as well. "I can't believe you're here." he sobs. "Shhhh, it's okay." I try to clam him, calm the both of us. 

Here we are, under the tree, holding on to each other again, while the sun rises on christmas morning. What else could I wish for?