psych ➳ muke

15

When eleven o'clock comes I make my way to Doctor Bender, whom is waiting for me in the conference room. He greets me with his signature toothy grin as I sit across from him. His hair is flat, his fringe swooping across his forehead perfectly, and I bet it's inhumanly soft.

"How are you, Luke?" He interrupts, clicking his pen open.

I sigh, my hand instinctively reaching for the hem of my black skinny jeans, "I'm fine."

It comes out as more of a question rather than a statement, but he accepts my response with a nod of his head. His fringe slightly bouncing with the action.

"Your mother was here last night, yes?" I nod sheepishly, "And how did that go?"

I close my eyes for a brief moment, relaxing myself, "Well, I guess. I didn't freak out as bad. She cried a lot and, um, I don't think she's been sleeping. She looks really bad."

Doctor Bender jots down a few notes as I speak, his eyes always coming back to meet mine. I like that about him, he keeps eye contact. Just as if he actually cares about what I have to say, unlike Fitzgerald.

"But I told her about school. About the bullying and the blaming and about me being gay."

His writing ceases at the final line, "You came out to her, how did she react?"

"Not like I expected her to," I say, "I don't think she was angry with me. She just cried more and she apologized so many times. For everything, basically."

The doctor seems pleased at that. I am, too. It's progress in my mother and I's relationship, we haven't made progress in years.

"I think she feels guilty about not being there for me, which is good. I want her to feel guilty. I told her that I forgive her though, but only because I am a better person."

Doctor Bender's face lights up, his eyes sparkle as he lets out a heavenly laugh, "You are right, Luke. You are a better person for that. I am very proud of you."

Our meeting ends at noon and I make my way to lunch in the small cafeteria. Michael and Jai are already sitting at our usual table, trays placed in front of them, but they are in deep conversation. I wash my hands, being sure they are sanitary, before making my way over and plopping down next to the platinum boy. He offers a quick smile in my direction before turning back to Jai. My tray is placed in front of me and I can only pick at my food, my ears trained on the conversation taking place next to me.

"There are two of them," Jai says, "Both male, both assholes. They are controlling and they come out of nowhere, I can't even tell that I'm not there. It's like they just shove me aside!"

Michael pipes in, discussing his own troubles. They banter back and forth about the voices in their heads, bonding over disorders. To be bluntly honest, I am filled with jealousy. I had thought Michael liked me, not Jai. They had things in common, but Jai couldn't save Michael like I can.  I do not finish my lunch, I can't. My stomach is sick at the thought of Michael and Jai. I want to hate him and maybe I do. I find myself stomping past Marlene, whom started her shift just minutes ago. She calls after me, but I wave her off, stating that I am going to my room. She will send someone to check on me, to make sure I am not a threat to myself. I'm not, I just need space to breath. To my surprise, no one comes to check on me. I am given the space I so desperately seek until I am called for an appointment with Doctor Fitzgerald. Per usual, I meet her in her office just down the hall. She is overly cheerful, as expected, and rushes me to sit down.

"Luke, how are you?" She questions, reaching for her pad paper and a ball point pen.

I cross my legs, my left ankle resting on my right knee, "I'm great."