the dragon's lullaby

Chapter 4

--CULLEN--

Another night had passed filled with constant, dreadful nightmares. The demons and terrors had been playing their familiar mind games again, like they always did once he surrendered to sleep and found himself in the fade; they were tugging at his deepest desires and fears, hoping he would finally give in. Sometimes, he was truly tempted, but he always managed to get a hold of himself regardless of how tiring it was.

He wondered to himself, when was the last time he truly had gotten a good nights sleep?

It was always the same ritual. Stay up as late as possible until he got truly exhausted (as if he wasn't already), pray to the Maker for His protection, ascend the ladder in his office up to the broken floor where his bed was located, take off his armour and clothes and fall down onto the mattress. Eventually he would give up the fight to exhaustion and accept defeat, only to be hunted in his subconsciousness by all his worst memories and wrongdoings.

This night it had been particulary bad; it seemed as if his emotions were intensified, probably due to the stress he was under, with monitoring the troops and all that. Not to mention he was worrying over their new guest who was due to arrive the next morning. He was worried over what it would do to the inquisition and for all the risks it would bring.

So, when dawn finally came and he had awoken in cold sweat with drenched sheets surrounding him, he was almost grateful for being back in the land of the living again.

He'd splashed his face with ice cold water from the basin and quickly got in his clothes and armour. As much as he wanted to, today he didn't have the time to take a proper bath. He would save that luxury for tonight.
He quickly went through his morning routine, though it was more like a shortened version of it as Cassandra came to his office early. Her gaze was slightly worried when she saw the darkened circles under his eyes. "Commander." she greeted with a nod, which he returned. "Lady Lunara is about to arrive. I expect you to be there, too, to properly welcome her as a part of our inner circle."
Cullen's jawline hardened and he nodded, trying his best not to let his disapproval show. "Very well." was all he said before Cassandra left his office, most likely not even bothered by his reaction because his disdain towards the entire plan had been clear enough in the war room meeting.

When the clock hit eleven he left the office for the courtyard, where Cassandra was helping up an unfamiliar figure up to her feet. He figured this must be the lady and he waited for the introductions, remaining unbothered about her fall. There was a slight pang of guilt for his pettiness and immaturity, but he shoved it away just as quickly and remained his usual bitter self.
He insulted her by asking her about her dragon, wanting to taunt her and get a rise out of her. Cassandra warned him, yet he kept going. But then he finally got a good look at her appearance.

The woman seemed frail and pale, with a sad gleam in her hazel eyes. She seemed malnourised and too skinny than she would actually be, had she been healthy and properly fed. Her auburn hair seemed to have lost its shine and hung over her shoulders like a greasy horse mane.

Now he truly felt guilty.
Yet she surprised him by swallowing the words he'd said and throwing his remarks back in his face. And she was right, how painful it was to admit that.

Cullen was mad at everyone but most of all himself. He then stormed away back into his office to lick his wounds.

Once he reached his safe space he growled and slammed his fist down on his desk. Some items fell to the floor. It wasn't long before Leliana barged into his office with the expression of a storm on her face.

"Commander, have you gone completely mad?! This woman offers to help us in our darkest hours and your idea of welcoming her is to insult her on the spot?!" she all but yelled while her eyes spat fire. Cullen sat down and leant forward. "Save it, Leliana. I'm well aware of what happened." "-Then you know if you have any sense left, that the right thing to do is to apologize for your actions."
She was right. The conflict in him was unlike his true nature, but he was just so.. tired. The lyrium withdrawals felt like a slow paced terminal disease that wasn't just affecting him physically, but also mentally. Emotionally.

"I will." he said, making the promise right there and then to himself.
"See to it. And let this refrain from ever happening again."
The door slammed shut and he was left alone to his thoughts.

And he wondered, how in Maker's name he would ever be able to undo the damage, and let his new colleague see him in a different light.