Icarus Wings

Jump

When will I be forgiven?
When will I forgive myself?
Echoes of my past resonate between my ears.
The vibrations slowly reach my brain while tearing apart everything in its way.
Once it finally arrives, my brain cannot contend.
The thoughts.
The feelings.
Nothing makes sense after that.

Do you remember the first time you jumped off a diving board?
How you were scared and helpless?
Your heart wanted to jump, and your brain wanted to die right then and there.
What did you do?

I jumped.

And almost drowned.

I guess the end result was the same.
But in that time between jumping and drowning, you know what I felt?

Joy
Love
Optimism
Satisfaction

After I was rescued, those feelings were gone.
I didn't get to enjoy them as much as I wanted to.

So I went and did it again.

There was a small spark
Not as strong as before
But still there
And I kept jumping and jumping until my legs couldn't support my weight.
Trembling simply by walking, I crumbled to the ground and carried myself to the nearest seat.
Eventually, I wondered why I dedicated so much for just a split second of emotion.
An emotion that was ever fading and eventually missing.
An emotion that I didn't know was gone until I opened my eyes and couldn't find it.

I jumped, not to feel the same thing over and over again.
But to see if I can remember how it felt like the first time.

In the end, I couldn't.

I wish I had never jumped in the first place.