IDK

I don't know

                                                            I don't really know where to start.

 You see I've always been the type of person to begin a project or interest and dessert it. My attention span is really weak and overall I'm just a lazy fatass. Maybe I could blame it on my ADHD or the fact I'm such a quirky person and everything that I do is entric or random. 

I've always wanted to be "popular", not the type of popular you'd see in the movies like the jock or the rich dude. I wanted to be a badass female character. The girl in the books or movies that everyone hated, despised. That had everyone fear and loathe her, that character, of course, had flaws; but what person doesn't? And usually, they were misunderstood and misguided, they either were vying for their parents' unattainable love or were never shown the right way to demonstrate compassion. I've always felt that I related to their character or at least their personality. Now realistically I'm not rich, skinny, hot, or white; that's where the line between reality and fiction starts to reveal itself. I'm plus-sized, poor, not the eurocentric type of beauty, male. And I'm black. With all of those things combined, I'm the funny comedic reliever in every sitcom family-oriented movie or show. 

But life isn't like the movies unfortunately because if it was I would end up with the girl (or guy). Instead, I'm a lonely ass bitch typing in my bed about how depressing my life is or could be. I want to see myself as a good person or at least an "okay" person. Even now I'm looking at the pile of books and paper that I'm supposed to be doing. I'm a junior in highschool formatting sentences that grammatically don't fit ( I can hear my English teacher laugh at me now.) 

I guess you can say my life is a mess, you could also say that I'm being a whiny bitch and that my life isn't as hard or difficult compared to yours or someone else. And my response to that would be FUCK OFF, maybe you are right my life isn't hard but you don't know me (thank God). Who are you to say "Buck the fuck up", I hate when people invalidate someone else's feelings. I'm sorry your life sucks too but shit my dude if something is bothering me be there for me just like I would be there for you. But I digress, what I'm trying to say is that I have stuff I want to get off of my chest. So if you want to stop reading PLEASE be my guest and leave because this whole story is gonna consist of me bitching but also opening up to you all and crying. 

Sorry if that made me out to sound like a dick (you see what I mean about bitching) I promise I'm not or at least I try not to be. It's the Pisces in me I guess, I tend to get very let's just say emotional. Just last month I was crying in the shower listening to Britney Spears about a boy in my English class and how he would never love me ( you see an example of me being a cry baby.) I let my emotions get in the way of how I think and or react. Usually, I just exhibit the sad emotion sometimes (very rare) I also show a happy emotion. I'm stuck in a constant state of "longing", I think its because I want a boyfriend. I want someone to want me, someone, that picks and chooses me first. A person that goes to bed with me on their mind and wakes up with me on their mind again. A man that doesn't care about my flaws but instead sees them as something unique about me and treasures it. 

The last time I was in a "real" relationship was.......never. I, of course, was "involved" with a couple of people throughout middle school but they never lasted long. It wasn't till seventh grade my interest in men arose. I think my desire to like men has always been there but my actual notice of it became apparent when this guy named Garrett entered my life. He was a peculiar person, he was VERY smart and his hair flowed like a wave and he was white. I consider myself as a "white men's whore", I fall for them quick even the ugly ones. Maybe it's the internalized racism and I go for white men as a way to find acceptance (we will get more into that later in the chapters.) I don't go just for White men though, I don't have a preference on skin color ( no one should have a "preference" based on someone's race) I've fallen in love with multiple people of multiple races. But all were from afar and the moment I tried becoming friends with them ended because of the friendship becoming too awkward for us, usually after I admitted my feelings to them. 

Many people used to think and sometimes voice their opinion that I was gay. And well they weren't wrong but they weren't right either. I still like women.... and nonbinary and whomever I find a connection with. I used to think I was gay and I believe a huge part of that was because of what people would assume that I was. But as I got older and people became more educated I decided to also become more educated on who I am. As I became more I guess in a sense knowledgable on the different sexualities that were out there I landed on the label of being bisexual. I thought because I had feelings for guys and gals that's all I was. But the more and more people started coming out as different things I started to become attracted to different things and I finally decided that I am pansexual. I don't really like the whole "labeling" thing but I feel that's a label that suits me the most. 

I know that it feels like I've dragged on with this chapter and you might be uninterested but this is my life so why should I care if you are are happy about it. I needed an outlet and me doing this, writing and pouring my heart out on this screen gives me the thing I need the most..... which is freedom. What is more freeing than expressing yourself in front of random people who don't know you personally and can't use the information against you. 

But I do believe that I am making this chapter to long so I'm gonna end it here. But until next time live, love, laugh (if you know you know lmao). 

And I never mentioned this but you can call me D'sean.