Yet to be decided

Sustaining

I get up for school, with titles going through my head.  Depression, anxiety, unimportant, death.  I keep asking why, but the truth is, I don't even know what I'm asking why for.  Everyone sees me as this drumming prodegy, but reality I'm not any different than any other good drummer my age.  I'm unimportant.  I'm a mindless drone with a conscious.  Until I saw her, walking into percussion in the beginning of freshman year.  She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

  I walked up to her and said "Hey", and she said, "Hi.."

-"What's your name?"

(No reply)

  I laughed and just started playing my scales, but I felt horrible.  Why wouldn't she say anything else? Was it me?  What's wrong with me?!  I decided though, if there truly isn't anything to me, she won't stay with me, but I would take her out one day. 

The next day, I walk in and I see her again.  I walk up and say "Hey",

She says, "Hi, how are you?"
"Im fine, how are you today?"
"Good, I'm Julie by the way"
"I'm James, and Im glad you're good"

And that was all the time we had to talk before we had to rehearse, but if I knew it would be the last time for four months, I would have said more.  So much more.  I went home that night smiling, because she was smiling at me.  The next morning I woke up thinking about her, about her smile, about her eyes.  I kept thinking about her through the day too, how id ask her out, what Id say.  How Id say it. Third mod she was still in my mind:).  I was so excited.
Boom
"Are you okay man?"

"Yeah I'm fine.  I'm fine"

I was afraid to say my head hurt, or maybe I didn't know it did.  I didn't really know where I was.
"You sure?  You don't look fine"
"Yeah man, I'm good.  Don't worry about me"

5 minutes after

We are walking inside from gym class, the school looks a lighter red than before. I look at my friend and say, "Dude, I think I have a concussion"
"You'll be fine, it wasn't a hard hit"
"Okay yeah you're right"

10 minutes after

Im sitting in biology now. My god my head is beaming in pain.  This doesn't feel right.
15 minutes after
"Nick are you okay?  Should I have someone bring you down to the nurse?" Asks my teacher.

"No, well yeah I need to see her.  I can make it though"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, im fine."

  Not sure how long after anymore

I just came back from a neurologist. I'm laying in the dark now.  My head is killing me.  It feels like my head is melting. I don't know where in the house I am either. I think im in the basement.

Its just dark. 

Few hours later

Its odd how soothing the emptiness of the darkness is. Its almost like space. If you imagine it, you're floating alone, no need to worry, or cry, or change.  I wonder if this is what its like to be dead.  I wonder if I'm dead, like I know Im not, but my body feels empty, its dark, im alone, Yet I'm at peace.  Sustaining, but to what point.  I have no point in living this life, in living here.  No omnipotent put me on this earth.  Even if there was a god what good would come from something like me.

So is this considered death, or dying?

Why am I even here, not on earth, but right now. In the dark.  I am achieving no greater purpose.  Being here, if anything I'm even lower on a scale of worth than I was before. That's why I don't believe in anything.  That's why I don't believe I'm here for a purpose.  That's why I'm so sad.  You would think realization would relieve me of pain, but it only makes me feel worse.

I don't know if Id call this life.  I'm on a border of life and death with no means of moving either way.  That sounds pretty damn close to dying. Sustaining the inevitable count down until I'm pushed over the boundary.  Lets hope it comes soon, help.  I don't care whether its help bringing me to life or death, I just need help.

10/2/13