Wishful Thinking

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Bernard held his breath as he briskly walked out of his father's office.

Seeing Mr. Loman after all those years was certainly not something he had expected.

He shook his head to himself,
remembering his "uncle willy",
remembering all of those memories,
remembering all those feelings.

remembering Biff.

sometimes he could convince himself that none of it ever happened,
that it'd all been a dream.

but for the first time in years,
the memories felt more vivid than ever.

it had started out as simple admiration.

Biff was everything that he'd ever wanted to be.

strong, muscular, athletic, popular...
and handsome, how could he ever forget how handsome he had been.

Everyone liked Biff,
looked at him like he was a god,
worshipping the ground he walked on.

and Bernard had to admit that he fell right into that category,
looking with longing and jealously at the other boy.

he was often found trailing behind him, helping him carry his bags.
but gradually he had began  to walk beside the other boy.

watching from afar became watching up close,
as the two formed quite an odd friendship.

the nerd and the jock,
an unlikely duo.

but somehow it worked,
for in private, things were easy.

Biff was far less brash when away from the public eye, perhaps even gentle.
The two could share jokes and laughs that not another soul would ever understand, smiles wide and cheeks red.

Bernard had smiled wider than he'd thought humanly possible when spending the night at Biff's house all of those years ago, as the two had doubled over in laughter in the earliest of the morning hours.

Bernard felt lucky to see a side to his friend that no one else got to know.
Hearing Biff's unguarded laugh made his heart swell,
perhaps in ways that it wasn't supposed to.

Closer and closer they had grown,
shoulders brushing against shoulders,
thighs against thighs,
fingers touching ever so slightly.

Bernard could clearly remember the feeling, as the two danced around each other, sneaking soft touches into their ever so hectic lives.

quick touches grew in length,
with lingering glances.

and soon soft lips met soft lips,
fear and caution in their every move, the two boys had held onto one another for the first time, touching and seeking for the other's warmth in a way they'd both been craving for what seemed like forever.

Bernard's muscles tensed as he thought of Biff's lips against his skin,
they'd been young and stupid, yet all the more curious and hungry for the other's touch.

Bernard had never kissed a girl at the point in his life, much less another boy,
so the experience left quite a mark upon his life.

and though Biff had kissed more girls at the point in his life than Bernard would ever get the chance to, Bernard could sense that the kiss meant something more to the other.

he could feel it awake something inside not only himself, but in his companion as well.
or so he'd hoped.

he could remember Biff's arms around him, noses pressed together, their hot breath against each other's cheeks.

Bernard could not help but flush a light shade of pink as he thought of his best friends's arms upon his skin.
or perhaps his former best friend would be a more appropriate term...

but even after all the years,
and with a wife and children,
Bernard could never shake off that lingering longing that remained for his old friend.

he doubted that Biff would even recognize him after all of their years apart,
much less even want to see him again.

that deeply pained him,
as he'd been there for Biff through it all,
for Biff was never the brightest in his studies, his mind preoccupied with social matters and parties.
but through it all, Bernard had done his best to have his back, as he recalled helping him with his homework and essays,
even going as far as to allowing Biff to copy off of his tests...

and after each assignment Bernard would chastise his friend, warning Biff of how by not working hard, he was essentially jeopardizing himself and his future.
but despite that, Biff had never felt any need to pursue academic success.

no matter what Bernard would say, it was no use.
he was never able to get through to his friend.

which eventually led to their falling out , as in his anger and frustration, Biff had pushed him away. with tears running down his cheeks, and eyebrows creased in fury, Biff had rejected Bernard's friendship, telling him to leave.

for all that Bernard had warned Biff of had become a reality, sending Biff into a spiral of hysteria. and though Bernard begged Biff to allow him to help, Biff had simply shot him down, going as far as to use physical violence against him.
Bernard didn't consider himself an aggressive person, but that night, he'd pushed Biff with every fiber of his being, as he tried to fight against Biff's cruel touch.

All he'd ever really wanted was for Biff to be happy, as he just wanted to help.

and still, that was what he wished do.
he wanted to help Biff- help him to find happiness and fulfillment, where ever that may be...

but alas, he knew that it would never be what it once was.

Biff was a new man,
Bernard was a new man,

but if Biff would only let him,
Bernard would do almost anything to help his old friend back on his feet, he and to see him smile once more.

but as Bernard proceeded on his way to the train station, he knew that such ideas were nothing but wishful thinking.