Just an introduction

Just letting it out...

Recently I have reacquainted with an 'old friend'.He has been in my life for more than 10 years.And things are going quite alright .But now he talks of wanting a family and I really do too.So I want to release what has been holding me back before starting a new chapter in my life.And I will do it the best way I know how....by writing about it.This is something I have never spoken about and hopefully my story will help someone out there....that's my goal atleast.

I've met Steven in church.He was singing worship on stage and I had just joined the church.At first I didn't have any thought about him.He was just 'brother Steven' to me.After a year ,I had become an usher and he was now assisting the pastor.And when he came to church,he always brought a tambourine. We became such good friends ,we would joke around and laugh.One day we were at a member's wedding and we sat together with a few other friends and he looked at me and said 'One day I will marry her'.I started to blush and there were a lot of oohs and aahs after that statement.He would give me his tambourine to carry home and keep for him and slowly I fell in love.....He would gently caress my cheek when he entered the church.I was on a high!Cloud nine can't top this baby! And we would subtly flirt and having my kind of eyes is a blessing and a curse.My eyes are an open book.Whatever I am silent about,my eyes would tell.And he could see in my eyes that I loved him.And he would say 'eyes never lie,I see more than you think"We had mutual friends and like I said,my eyes always had this spark when his name was called or my face would light up in a way.So they decided to prank me.They called him on my phone and I didn't even notice!Then they handed me the phone.I ofcourse didn't know who it was,so I was all sassy asking who it is....when I heard his voice I literally screamed and ended the conversation. He called me back and asked 'they pranked you didn't they?'  And I said yes,causing him to chuckle.We went on a date and openly spoke about our feelings for each other.Afterwards we went to our pastor for counseling, as was the rule.Our relationship started.I used to live in the nurse's hostel,where I was also a student.I was in my first year.He would come every day ,cooking for me and bringing me food.On christmas we would exchange gifts and I always had some romantic gesture up my sleeve.Yes,I was the romantic one.I would sense his presence before knowing he was there,I would dream if something happened to him.We would always pray together....2 years later I visited his house for the first time.I never went because I was scared I wouldn't be able to control myself.That's when it happened. I was scared because of my abusive past and I opened up about it.He teared up while I told him my story. He then,guided me through it,telling me to relax,whispering sweet nothings in my ear to make me comfortable.... It was gentle and tender en beautiful. Two weeks later I didn't get my period.Bit I didn't really pay it any mind because I was irregular.He knew of my pregnancy before I did.He would say 'you're pregnant I can see it in your eyes' and I would laugh and say 'is that even possible?'But I was and I called him and said congratulations daddy,I'm pregnant'.He came over at the hostel to see me and told me to remove it because pastor will be angry.I was so mad.I didn't care I wanted this baby.When we loved we loved hard ,but when we fought we fought hard too.After every fight he would take a glass of water before the day was over and let me drink out of it and he would too.That was how we made up.Anyway...during my pregnancy I wasn't really sick but I had crazy cravings like ice cream with chips or pizza.Pizza is my kryptonite. Everyone who knows me,knows that.At first he would avoid touching my belly.He claimed he didn't want to attach to the baby.But after he saw my little bump,he was amazed.I remember when I showed him I said 'I can't button my jeans' .He gently touched it with one finger and I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly.That is where he lost control.He placed both hands on my bump and kissed it and caressed it.He even apologized to the baby saying'sorry I hurt you '.It was really emotional.He finally had accepted the baby.I was always wearing loose clothes to hide the belly.One day I had a bad craving for pizza and he bought it for me.He ate a few slices and most of the pizza was mine.I finished it all and was very full afterwards. I laid my hand on my belly and he saw it was a bit bigger.Ofcourse he knew it was food as well ,but he was so fascinated by it he made me stand in front of a mirror and he stood behind me ,placing his chin on my shoulder.He gently placed both hands on my belly and whispered'perfect'.I was the happiest I have ever been in my life.He would always lay on my lap and expose my belly ,or make sure I eat ,even if I wasn't hungry.I guess he just loved seeing me grow....One day I started having cramps.And it lasted all day.He was worried and would sit next to me ,like he always did when I had an astma attack.He hated those inhalers.But he sat next to me with a helpless look in his eyee as he watched me cry in pain.Around midnight our baby was gone....we cried and cried for days.But I was so bitter and angry I blamed him for it.Needless to say we never recovered from it and he did something I never thought he would do.Take someone else.We broke up,but he would always seek me out.So for two years after we broke our engagement,we were having a fling.And guess what?I got pregnant again....I told him and he was happy this time.I lived in a small one bedroom apartment but I needed to take two flights of stairs to reach my room.He would come by every single day.By week 8 ,I had a nice bump going.He would massage me and warn me not to lift anything.Every small thimg he did for me would make me tear up.I was so grateful.He would cook for me and say 'watch out don't burn yourself, let me do it'  .When I would reason that I always cooked he would say 'now you have my baby inside there,I don't want you to lift a finger'.I would just enjoy his pampering because I still had to work to pay rent.He would sing to me and serenade me and even lovemaking was different.He would always pause ,kiss my belly and conttinue.During week 10 I started to get bloated and was afraid to belch in front of him.I was too shy.It really hurt !He noticed and started to massage me from behind and encourage me to release everything. I was still embarrassed afterwards and he would play with my belly and look up to me with a glint in his eye and say 'wow look at you grow'.At 12 weeks I was wearing maternity clothes,which he loved.His hand was always on my belly.One day I had to take a bath amd the shower wasnt working so I went downstairs and filled water to bring upstairs.I slipped and fell down 2 flights of stairs losing another baby.He was so mad at me for not calling him but I didn't want him to come all the way to my house just to fill water.He blamed me and said 'my life has gone backwards ever since I met you'.I pulled away and he married . someone else.For years I kept asking  myself how somethng so perfect go so horribly wrong?I guess I will never know.....But this was the journey of the happiest time of my life.