Saving Scott

10: An Itemized List Part II

"Why not?"

I couldn't handle it. The pain in my chest. The look on his face. I thought about reaching for him again, but he stood up, ran his hands through his hair, took another deep breath. "Kiss me."

"What?" I asked. My own face was wet, and I wiped my own tears away with the corner of my elbow. I wasn't sure I had heard him right.

"Last time," I offered.

I wanted. Like I expected him to take it back, change his mind, anything. But he stood there, face wet, unwavering. I pushed myself off the couch and slid my hands behind his neck. His skin was warm, soft, and his head tilted without me prompting. He reacted to me. He always had.

I could taste his tears in that kiss. I could taste his sadness from the slow drag of his lips against mine. It wasn't like anything we'd ever done before. I wanted to pull him closer, wrap my arms around him, promise that it had all been a mistake.

But I couldn't.

Lakyn left without a word. Without looking at me again. He pulled away, shoved his hands in his hoodie, and then he was gone.

I was alone.

***

I lasted two and a half days before I called Matt.

He hadn't been surprised by what I had to say when we met up later. Sitting in the back of his truck with two beers between us I said, "I'm gay."

"I know," Matt said.

"I'm in love with Lakyn."

"I know," Matt said again. "What are you going to do about it?"

There was only one answer. I had my life as I knew it. Comfortable, organized, put together and easily balanced.

And then I had Lakyn. Unpredictable, messy, but ultimately, honest.

I chose him.

It had been a long time coming.

I came out to the entire school.

I hadn't planned it. I had been standing there with Kaitlynn, the intercom mic in my hand, reading off a list, and it had just come tumbling out. Word vomit.

"Oh, and by the way," I said. "I'm gay. Enjoy your break! Happy Turkey Slaughter week!"

Kaitlynn's eyes were wide enough they made her face bug out when she turned the mic off. "Oh my god! What was that!"

"I don't know!" I dropped the mic like it was going to burn me. "It just came out!"

"No, Scott!" she shouted. "You just came out!"

"It just, I don't know, felt right?" She was still staring at me, so I said, "What?"

"You're like an 80s movie cliche, Scott, holy shit. You might as well have shown up outside of his house with a boombox!"

"Shut up," I said, and chewed on my bottom lip while I thought. "I think ... I think that was about me. I think I just needed to do it."

Kaitlynn picked the mic off the floor and shook her head. "I'm pretty sure every other gay kid in this school would say there were easier ways."

"Are there?" I asked her. "How many gay kids do you know? Not many. Maybe I'm going to be the one that makes it easier. For everyone."

Kaitlynn tilted her head, like maybe I was right, then said, "I'm going to call Matt."