Mania

I do not think you understand.
I loved him.
I do not think you understand the depth.
My gradual submergence into the various strata.

Starting with the fundamental level;
Philia;
A love between equals.
Love founded on goodness.
Associated with mutual benefit, companionship.
Dependability.
And the attribute I treasured, cherished-
Trust.
In order to meet the criteria of Philia values must be shared. These feelings must be reciprocated.
It is not - "I feel a sexual attraction so intense."
No.
It is on the basis of he is useful, above all good and pleasant.
But you do not understand his mind is what catalyzed my attraction. And the sparks did not Eros, it was not sexual passion.
To him I was loyal. I would have sacrificed everything.
You do not understand. I fell into Ludus with him.

Hypnotised by the melody of euphoria.
Made deaf by our harmonious laughter.
The base vibrations, coupled with baritone variations.
Were in sync with the tenored fluttering of butterfly wings in my stomach.
A contralto hum of my heartbeat.
I did not fear the mezzo notes of Cupid's arrows.
And the choral sound-emotions drowned out the desires Eros.
His caress. His scent. His physical body.
My heartbeat escalated until it vibrated on the frequency of a soprano note-high C.
But I was in Ludus with him. Because my love is not in the habit of self-endangering.
Which is the marker of Eros; a love associated with "falling".
No.
I was gaurded. I was in control.
Self-sufficient. We were mature.
Although it would be easy to misinterpret because they are so similar.
I was in love with him, with him I was not Eros.

Even if the sparks had somehow fallen into Cupid's fire pit.
Pragma would have fanned these embers, ensuring a standing flame. A fire not in the habit of flickering.
A year and a few months indicates a friendship has experienced endurance.
We had the ingredients to make it work.
Understanding, compromise, I need not reiterate how ours was an orchestra- harmonious.
I did not work so hard, first searching then to have found.
For the segregation of colour, refusing to mix on my palette.
To stop me from being loved.

You do not understand.
I loved him.
I think you must be confused by the variance.
The irony of how the word love, through its multiple facets can mean a safety net or a fall in which that very safety is absent.
How Agape; associated with boundless compassion and infinite empathy.
How it loves regardless.
Forgives, accepts and believes.
Cannot Philautia teach.
Or
The maniacal fires catalysed by the "survival instinct" cease.

Philautia;
Self-love.
A love founded on strength and a sense of comfort in one's own skin.
In which loving and wanting to be loved to reinforce self value are not akin.
Philautia does not focus on self gain.
Does not know possession or jealousy.
Or the common Mania where love is a feeling of desparate need.

But you do not understand.
I loved him.
I believed in Agape my flaws and shortcomings would be forgot.
In Pragma I would learn how to use my time wisely, conserve my energy.
Learn how to maintain love.
Through Philautia, Mania's obsessive madness would be abated.
I would have philia on the basis of my own goodness.
Abolish the self hatred.
Because it is true "You cannot share with others that which you are not in with yourself."

I do not understand.
I loved him.