i hate to hype myself up because i always go back to my usual self.
i hate feeling good about myself. i'm always back to listening to sad songs played on guitar while trying to hide the mirrors in my room from my aching gaze.
i hate feeling like i deserve to be seen because i always end up wanting to hide, become invisible or cut off each persons eyes so they don't have to look at me while i pass them on the streets.
but today i can't help but ask — why doesn't anyone love me? why am i always alone and left to help people get through life? why doesn't anybody want to get me through life?
it's like all those physics problems where i'm the first car that has to leave point A and get to B, but instead of moving, i stay there and help all the other cars get by. i'm making no progress, i just end up in my room
crying on songs by the 1975 and asking myself why am i not capable of moving forward, while all my friends fly.
i'm ashamed of myself for being so freaking jealous of my friends that smile through everyday and go back to their soulmates.
why haven't i found a soulmate yet? do i bloom late just like some girls in puberty? is this puberty all over again? i hope it's not. i didn't even find my soul, i have no idea who i am.
my hair is soft and blonde, my eyes are green and bright. why don't you brush your hands through my hair and look a little longer into my eyes? why don't you circle your arms around my waist, universe?
i know i'm not like other girls — pretty, sweet, but i'm a human too. i try my best.
i deserve love, right?
why aren't you falling for me like i am for you?
