Make them remember you

For me when I looked back in time I realized that there was always one reason to live : I want to win
Life is like a game you win ,you lose, you have a bad day or you have the best day of your life .
Winning everybody always tells you about it , but i now realized that winning is nearly impossible .
You have to rely 100% on yourself , because one small mistake can cost the whole game .But always have in mind that a comeback is possible.
The opponent always gets stronger and stronger
and you start thinking that you can't score,
but never give up.
I gave up,I was two points behind
but then I remembered my reason to live
and I stood up and fought.
Right know I am one point ahead
and I am proud of it.

Maybe you can't win but at least you can
make it close and give them a fight they will
remember.

Now I am standing here, in front of a big building ,my new school for the next 8 years .I always told my parents that i'm now a real teenager and can do adult stuff , but that is only half of the truth . In reality i was scared , yes me , 13 years old Jannis who was always the best in primary . But all in all I am not who, I pretend to be i have a lot of fears, I never want to ask people I don't know ,I m always trying to escape conversations and I always looked to my younger twin brother for how he did it and never had my own opinion . But now I know there will be a lot of changes, i have to get started, I have to get into the game. I stood in front of the big building and felt tiny , alone and especially insignificant, because I had the feeling everybody belongs there except me . They were all so tall , smiling and they always had someone to talk to. And then there was me, the shy little boy with no friends . Never have I felt so wrong in a place like this. Suddenly, a young girl came out of the bus next to me and she had a special aura about her, like an angel.She was really small ,had blond hair weared a old "Frozen " backpack but it seemed that nobody could hurt her.I knew she belong here. Not like me she was smiling and walked vigorously to the big building with no fear. Luckily I knew that she was in my class , because i looked secretly all pictures from my new classmates up so i don't have to ask anyone who I don't know . So I started following her always paying attention that she won't realize me .But I had to come as it had to come she realized that i was following her and after a corner she dont go ahead and i run completely in to her. My nose started bleeding ." I think now we have both to say sorry ,by the way my is Charlotte", she said with a friendly tone.I knew , and while i answered that i hit with one hand my head ," a I mean my name is Jannis I'm new here ". She started laughing : " I think you many things to tell me , because that is not the way we are getting friends ,but for now on let's get you a bandage first " She started speaking I knew she was different for the first time in my life I could be myself and didn't had to be scared that someone will offend me for that . We talked about everything about the new school, our friends and family. And of course what happened we came to late on our first day, but we both knew that we will become friends


More than a teammate ?

Two years later we were still friends , nah rather I would say we are best friends . we are hanging out all day tell us everything and were laughing the whole day . One Time i remembered this moment as It just happened yesterday we were sitting on her couch and were watching a movie . But suddenly we started laughing and since then I see her in a different spotlight ,cause back then I saw for the first time her eyes sparkle like little stars. I was lost ,lost in her beauty and realized that I didn't knew what I would do without her .I couldn't stop staring at her endlessly eyes ,so she realized that there was something wrong . She asked with her negative , bewildered voice , which she always used when she knew that there is something wrong : " Jannis what's up why are you keeping staring at me ?'' " A ,a , I just realized that You have strange eyes" , I stammered not sure what I should say. But then I Said whit all my courage in a loud serious tone :" I love you". She started laughing at me and I runned crying away. 

Tactic change : how to be cool
After that I was destroyed. I was a wrack , a ship sunken on the ground of shame .
And I started searching for reason why this could be , why I don't get what I want . And I realized that all the boys got girlfriends, who I thought were "cool ". And then I had an idea who should changed my life completely. I wanted to become cool. So I looked I started to become like them, walk like them, dress like them, speak like them. I started bullying little children just to get her attention, but I didn't worked. It made the opposite she started to bully me, because I was so emotional uncontrolled. She started making fun of me in class and I had nobody to talk to.

depressed
I was alone in the dark . Everyone had something, I was the only one and started thinking why I should live with . I didn't know who to trust .
Did you ever had this thought what would happen if you aren't there anymore and would ask yourself if someone would miss you. I had it. And I had the feeling that nobody would miss me. I had no reason to live. And then I had this idea.

game over
You ever had this idea when you are completely down and you only way out seemed to be start drinking until you are dead. I did it I drunk the whole night, had a fight with a smaller guy who I found out was brought to the hospital later. But when. I think about theses 2 weeks were I drunk I can't really remember much, until a Sunday morning.

restart
I woke up. I watched around not sure where I was. Still I tried to remember what happened at the last night. I started walking home, but suddenly there she was walking by, the girl who all started it. I didn't wanted to talk to her so I went to the only near building which was open :the church. There I realized that I was wrong the whole time. After the ceremony I started to read the Bible, and found a new reason to live. Furthermore I realized that I shouldn't think that nobody loves me, because Jesus sacrificest himself so we could life. Before that I only went to church with my my family, because it was a tradition. But back then I found out that believing means so much more and makes you so much happier. So I went at the next day to Charlottes house and said sorry that I did so stupid things and we made a peace contract.

10 min left
I wasn't quite sure what I should think about that . Do I had now a chance or not.I wanted just to walk away. So I decided to make an exchange year. For me it was my first thing were I should really care only about myself.
For me it was quite exciting to see how the others will react.

all or nothing
It was the last day before summer vacation and I would see none of my friends for the next year, so it was really hard for me to say goodbye. Suddenly I got a message that I should look to the street and then I saw her, my angel. She was was standing there in a beautiful innocent white dress, with her head down and tears running down her neck. I was shocked why is she here and not at the concert with the rest of my class. I went to her on the street not sure what I should expect. I took her in my arms try to calm her down and my hearts started to beat rapidly like . Finally I took all courage and asked her :"Why are you here with me and note one the nice concert with all your friends". She started crying again but then she said :" Because of you. I am one in so many things. I made so many mistake and I started realizing that I lost more then my friend. I lost my heart. When I was mean to you I died inside, because I couldn't control my feelings for you and wasn't ready to trust anybody. And I can't live anymore without you. I was a fool and I begging here in front of you that you could forgive me. You were the one who protect me when nobody was there, you brought me back to start believing. I never feel the same. Jannis I love you. And I completely understand when you hate me, but I thought at least you should know". I took her hands, looked into her beautiful from the tears shiny eyes, pulled her towards me and finally kissed her. After that we spend the whole summer together and I think there is no detail needed.