Freedom

What does freedom mean to you? Some might say the ability to travel around the world with no limits. Some might say having a lot of money gives them freedom. Some might even say being single is freedom, but what do you think?

I sit at the beach alone, pondering the word "freedom". I remember talking about it in primary school and everyone, jumping in their seats, were buzzing about what kind of freedom they want - being able to play video games all day without their mother nagging at them, being able to eat food with no consequences, to do whatever they want in life. Me, being the naïve little girl I was, thought the same. I often thought to myself, "How nice it would be to gain freedom."

I close my eyes, listening to the sound of the waves crashing, to the faint sound of the birds chirping, to the leaves rustling as the trees sway. I feel the cooling wind on my face. The weather is warm, but chilly at the same time. Perhaps it is because of the wind, or perhaps it was the cold truth and the heaviness that had settled inside my heart. I open my eyes and stare at the sky. The sky is painted pink, orange and yellow. It feels like I am in a dream, because I still cannot believe that my dog, my best and only friend, my loyal companion, had been admitted into the hospital. The scene I am looking at, this picture-perfect image of the beach I am sitting at, the clouds hovering in the sky, all seemed to mock me. Here I am, at the beach, feeling so free, while my puppy, Snowy, is trapped in a cage in the animal hospital. I realise that I should not feel like this.

Yesterday I was asked the question. One that would either end up changing my life completely, or give me some false hope that I can cling onto. Now I am at the beach and I am thinking of what is best, for me and for Snowy. This question, if you have not already guessed, is "Should I put Snowy down?" On one hand, it will end her suffering, but on another hand, it will destroy the only faith I have of Snowy recovering from this deadly illness she is suffering from. 

This emotion I am feeling, this devastation, is weighing down on me like I am buried under the debris of a collapsed building. I felt trapped. There are many ways to interpret the word "freedom", and this is not one of mine.

"But this is life," I thought. "People die, and so do animals, but when they all leave, what happens to me?"

A sense of epiphany struck me like a rude awakening. I realised that life contains so many problems lying in store for us and no matter how hard I try to remain optimistic, obstacles keep coming my way, trying to destroy every little hope I have. This was one of those obstacles.

Suddenly the sounds of the waves crashing, the birds chirping and the leaves rustling did not matter. My mind had drowned them all out. I was trapped in my own thoughts like a claustrophobic person stuck in a jail cell. The soft breeze of the cooling wind turned to a howl as I started running. Faster and faster. I begin to understand what the best decision to make for Snowy is. I decided to choose death, because only after we die do we truly become free, and all I want is Snowy to be free. Free from all the suffering in this world.

What does freedom mean to me? I think it is when we really do not have an existence anymore. With this life, we are burdened by emotions that will only hurt us. We are graced by the ability to feel pain and this is what makes us want to truly be free.