Why Me

Who said

Who said that words could not harm you? My guess a person who was never in my shoes.

My name Theodore but at one point in the dark times, it was different. They all had their nicknames for me 'Fat' 'fake boy' 'nerd!' None of those bothered me but the one that did was when I got called 'stupid'

Being called stupid crushed me. If you want to see me cry to this day call me stupid.

I was in grade three when I first noticed I was different. I never dressed like the others my age or talked in there slang all I did was sit by my self staring off into space thinking of crazy worlds that no one could see. I went head first as far away from that hate without knowing I was hiding.

Even my friends at that age were trying to be helpful by saying maybe if you just acted normal and didn't show up to school in a Harry Potter uniform when it's not Halloween, and maybe don't play superhero's, oh and to top, it off doesn't be you. Don't memorize our Drama class assignment right after you get it, don't use the paper in your binder to draw castles and monsters that had yet to be described.

While they didn't know it those words hurt too. But they were my friends with there own life's in heart none of them were trying to hurt me. They were not out every night with Vocal lessons, Karate, Tutoring, play rehearsals, and Dad nights, but I was, I did not have time to be there normal only mine.

I was constantly putting myself down because I thought my self-worth was equal to what they said about me a person they bearly knew.

Maybe that's why we get bullied because no one bothers to get to know you. They label you before you can walk and the rest of the word goes along with it.

Every night I had that conversation with my mom. I never asked 'why me' but I did ask why I couldn't change and be more like them. "Why would you want to?" She would ask. "Baby you are something they have never seen before and one day they will all regret what they said to you."

Grade seven was hell.

Everyone makes mistakes and this year was incompatible to the rest. I made a promise I was going to be on top which was a weird decision given that even back then I liked hiding in plain sight.

I said the wrong thing and I'll always admit that. I was trying my best to make an impact it was just the wrong way. I didn't watch what I said then lied about it.

He was one of those guys who thought anything he did was hilarious and everyone would agree except for me. I was not going to fake laugh like all the other kids in the class. He saw that and so made me do all the work. He decided to tell me he was dead and could not do the work, this went on too long and I snapped.

'I can't help you I'm dead.' He laughed as his head laid on the table.

'great can I throw a parade?' that was the wrong thing to say and I knew it.

The days grew on and grade seven felt like it would never end. Every day was a new low and the teacher would not do anything because I lied to her once. she left me to suffer I might have started it by mistake but I did deserve what they did to me.

My friends figured out pretty quick that I was not okay. I was no longer being told how to be normal but I was being told to fight back because I was strong. They never had to live through what I did. Home was just as bad as school with the verbal fights always growing in power that I lost myself and shut down. I just took it.

My best friend would fight for me when I could not. When the three boys pretended that they through a pencil in my locker she would help me keep them away from it by standing by my side as I packed up to leave delaying her exit from the building. She stopped me from making anything worse by throwing the first punch.

I ended up punching my locker while one was trying to break my lock off to get in and search for that stupid pencil. They ran into the teacher and she ended up searching through my locker to find nothing of there's in it. We were not allowed to carry our backpacks or instruments with us throughout the day but I no longer felt safe leaving my things there.

When you don't feel safe in school there is a problem, but because it was me all my concerns and panic attacks were ignored.

I ended up sitting in the middle of the nightmare and they grabbed my homework and started to read it out to the class making fun of all my spelling mistakes and all the answers I got wrong. Everyone except my best friend laughed at me, and the teacher just sat there and let it happen.

Stupid was chanted through my brain, even though all I heard was laughs. I could not leave or everything would end up being my fault so I had to do what I did best sit there and take the abuse.

I was the last one out of the class that day because I just could not move. I felt like I was living through a slow-motion movie montage. I came to terms that day that I was the problem. I left the school trying desserty to stop the damn from braking. My best friend had to run after me because I left so quickly as soon as she hugged me I let it all free.

She had called her dad to come to pick us up, then took my phone and called my mom. She told her what happened and asked that I be able to go to her house and calm down.

That was the first time my mom learned how bad it was. I always told her it was fine. I somehow justified why they called me fat and a horrible person. I agreed that this was all my fault that they were only hurting me because I deserved it. Until they called me stupid.

I do not remember what happened in the next weeks following because school finally ended. my eternity of hell was over.

I made a promise to my self to never let anyone's words ever make me cry again.

I've spent far too long going over what I did in my head, I've spent way too many hours blaming my self and allowing for what people who only knew one thing about me control what I knew about my self. I spent too many hours hurting myself just to feel again.

I worked hard to change my attitude. I fought to go to a different high school than them, I fought to get somewhere I might be understood. Even though I was free from there burning wipes made of words I did not get better. I was still resting on the idea that I would never be good enough. Never be anything.

No one hated me anymore no one said anything negative about me except for me. I was still stuck in that mindset that I was not to be like so I didn't understand why they all were being nice to me. I pushed them all away saying I was scared they would all be the same but they were not, in fact, they taught me what hope looked like.

When I was sixteen I made a decision. a decision that some would see as brave and others would see as a stupid self-harming idea. I put a blindfold on and walked towards the cliff. there might be a bridge and there might be a pit but I did not care for this was what I chose to do.

It was not the horrible words I was called in middle school that was keeping me hopeless, it was me. so I was not going to think about them anymore. Yes, it happened, no I do not wish them harm. I'm free from there hate and I'm free from myself.

When I was sixteen I decided to embrace who I was. A fat, nerd, who was transgender. Now they could never know when I did not know that I was trans but stepping up and saying I am whom I am made me break away from the things I would use to hurt myself just because I thought I needed to be hated.

There had to come a time that put that book back on the shelf, yes it hurt and it was scary but holding on to it can actually do more damage. As of right now, I can not look back on middle school without thinking about them and what they said but one day I will forget them and remember everything good like playing with my friends or scoring the lead in a musical.

My mom was right, my sister was right, my dad, my stepmom, my friends and anyone who knew me were right, in the end, I am strong and the negative words I once heard are in the past and no longer define me.

My name Theodore, it hasn't always been but that's what I choose to be called. I lived through bullying and still struggle with my self-image, but I'm happy. Finally.

Whoever said words can never hurt you never walked in my shoes. I think its time for a change. Words are one of the strongest weapons out there but words are also our greatest defence.