just breathe

calm down calm down

Breathe in. Breathe out.
All these fools around me, oh how I want to kill them. I want to slit open their throats and hear then scream. Why is this kind of satisfaction illegal?

They call me kind. They call me nice. I'm happy they cant hear my thoughts.

Its drama class, we are doing trust exercises, why? Do I have to touch people. Oh no. We have to grab each others shoulders. My nails are still sharp and jagged from all the biting. Good. Listen to them complain and I dig them further. I could kill them all right now. Take out the pocket knife and go on a killing spree.

Do it

I am sane. I am sane. I dont want to hurt them. I DONT I DONT. I REALLY DONT.

My hand is reaching for the pocket knife. Stop. STOP.

DO IT

Just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. These are innocent people. They are laughing and running around and disobeying the teacher. Oh how I hate them all.
I have a lighter in my pocket and a small container of petrol. I can do it. I can do it. Oh no I zoned out. Ok. Ok. Grab their shoulders, close their eyes, guide them around the room. I co do that. Easy.

Their body belongs to me. To me. Its mine. I can make them walk into the knife, right into the wall and smash their head against the solid brick. Hit them over and over. I can do it. But I cant. I cant.

DO IT

Why is my other hand in my pocket. No no no. Take it out. Dont open the knife. Not in here. The bell rang. It's over now. I can leave this school. Move away, people. I need to be sick. School isnt a place to be sick. Not here. Not now. I'm in the bushes outside school now. I can do it now. Just stick my fingers down my throat and let it out.

Ugh finnaly. The sickness is out.

not enough. Not enough.

I have to do it again. I have no choice. Ah... the feeling of freedom. I have nothing to let go of but I do it anyway.

Again.
Again.
Again.
AGAIN!

I cant anymore. Blood is coming out. I'm bleeding through my mouth. Someone noticed. STOP ASKING WHY! THIS IS NECESSARY! Why here. Why now. I cant go on like this. I need tor un away. This person lives next to my school. They will see me every day now.

I'm in a different Bush now. I need my knife. I have it in my hands. The perfect glistening. Theres a person slowly walking past.

Attack them

I need to attack them. I lunged out of the Bush. Oh God. They screamed. They see the knife. I'm in too much of a frenzy to see what they are doing. They are grey. They have no identity. Lunge at them again. Do it. Push them is the Bush. I did it..they are in.

Stab them

I have my knife ready. I cant do this. I need to to this. Threaten them. If they tell anyone it's me I will kill them. The nod, I think. Everything is a blur. Did I say something? I dont rememeber what I did. What happened?