A messy Diary

Get Angry

Lies are everywhere. You are surrounded by skin deep intentions, people want money. There's nothing wrong with that though. Money = happy and healthy and just the way our structure works. And we need structure as humans. We forget why we want money though. You want money for a big house? To give to charity? For what? No you want it for sustainable happiness. For you and your children maybe. So the lengths we go to get this are ironically detrimental to that happiness. It's a butterfly effect of bullshit. You want to sell your product? I'll sell it for you. Your little girl saw my sexist ad and now she pukes after every meal because she thinks her value is found in sex? Because of you, it probably is. Value is what we make it. It's not like sex isn't real, but the activists act like it isn't. Censorship, cover her tits, hide them. Fat = healthy. But there's a fine line between making life impossible for a weird looking girl with no hope of being that cookie cutter sexy woman making her resort to bulimia, and censorship. Censorship dictating this or that as bad, dictating this is reality and this isn't. Generalizations and divisions. You can't have them, because you can't justify those divisions in every situation. You just can't. Right now humanity is struggling ethically because we don't have a universal goal. What is it right now? Progress? Science? Why? For sustainable happiness again. We want more cures, to live longer to sustain happiness. We want to survive, to have our children survive. To strive for this, these are my values, these are my rules that are the best rules for achieving this. My religion, my nationality. My rules. It's not a bad thing because again, we All want sustainable happiness. We want what's fair. But while these rules work sometimes, we still have angry people, and angry people have power. We have discrimination justified based on skin deep uneducated values you implemented by accident, by that person who chose to put a hot blonde girl in his ad. We have poverty, poor people pointing fingers, all with different reasons, fair or not it's a downward spiral. You can't scrape and keep clean finger nails and you can't get out of poverty with dirty finger nails. We have murderers and mental illness, and baggage, and blame. we're not taught to look at the big picture, to understand that we all want the same thing because our rules tell us not to, we think the other side is evil and it's trying to bring us down and it's not a lie, because we're all evil and trying to bring eachother down. "My nation has the best structure, not yours, therefore I will spread my nation and achieve more happiness." (Said every nation ever). And religion, and activist. Nobody thinks beyond culture. Nobody thinks that we're human. Nobody even think about what that means. They just know to wake up and get money and be good, a good person. Think about it.

Justify Justify Justify. You cling so desperatley to dignity, you're so uptight in your relaxation. You cry so you can laugh, you laugh while they disparage. Who you are, who you've always been you justify. You're embarassed, you're ashamed, you stare out the rain spattered window in black and white. I don't look pretty right now, I'm just a speck and lounge about as sI might, am I enjoying the colour? No. But what's there to enjoy? Look at me. I'm soaped up in yellow and choking on my own reflection. You can bask in your monochrom praying for more but will you ever be satisfied? No. Will I? I gave up on dignity long ago. I don't need justification.

Life is just unsexy. I understand the importance of organizing yourself and your identity so as not to flail into uncomfortable situations without motivation, with no reason and no ends to even justify. That would truly reflect on the futility of societal priorities, which aren't ultimately that futile considering what society has done for our species. Still, what an apathetic 0-fuck giving sociopath I'd become if I didn't consider my place here and what I want from it. What I want is to be happy and comfortable. I'm young, and I don't know what that means for me, to be happy and comfortable, and obviously even the very definition of happy and comfortable will change for me. So of course my place in this world, considering the relative importance of my societal standing compared to the rest of the universe, and also considering that I am human and therefore it's beneficial to disregard any doubts I have about including societally constructed priorities in what motivates my actions that result in exactly where my societal standing is in the first place. This will ultimately dictate whether I am happy and comfortable