What does depression look like? It can be the person in the club hyping everyone up and appearing to be having the time of their life. In other cases it can be the lone wolf who makes it his mission to look out after the ones closest to him. The truth is, it can be anything really. That's the most dangerous thing about depression. It isn't something that's constant or routine. It can be triggered, fallen into or even pushed upon us. It comes in all shapes and forms. Such as, lack of eating, sleeping, social contact, or even speaking. You will never be able to tell exactly what's going on in someone's mind when it causes them to instantly go quiet.
"The Silent Killer", a common name for depression. The reason is the fact that those with depression, or at least my type, won't go seeking help because we rather suffer in silence than feeling as a burden. We are usually the ones who extend a helping hand to those who need it or are going through similar battles because subconsciously the advice we give is the things that were too stubborn to listen to and actually do ourselves. We don't take advice or really sit down and talk to anyone because what's the point. What exactly can they say that my mind hasn't already shut down. How can they help me when I can't even help myself and only I truly know what's going on within the realms of my mind that's causing me to be depressed and increasingly frustrated.
Have you ever went to bed and suddenly you're being attacked by your own mind so instead of sleep you find ways to occupy your mind and make the thoughts go away? You ever been afraid of what your mind will conjure up when you're simply trying to get rest because you're exhausted of being strong for the world. Sleeping alone becomes a battle on its own because you're against your own mind. As you're trying to put yourself at ease, the inner demon called depression is flooding your brain with everything you've ever done wrong, the inference that you aren't good enough or that you'll never amount to shit. All your hard work, blood, sweat, and tears are for nothing and you're a failure so what's the point of trying anymore. You're nothing...
You ever feel like you don't deserve to eat or the thought just escapes your mind for days till your body literally cannot go on without fuel? Food just doesn't seem appetizing anymore and you're known for your love of food itself. Without even realizing it you're starving yourself because in your mind you aren't worthy of a meal. Only when the hunger pains and the feeling of being weak force you to eat something you actually listen because you have no other choice. Depression is so powerful the smell of your favorite food could linger through the air and you'd lack an appetite on an empty stomach.
Those with chronic depression can go from being the life of the party to being silent on the car ride home. To others it may just seem like they're zoned out but really they're in a battle with their thoughts and when, we'll if, you ask them if everything is okay they'll use the iconic line. "I'm tired". That simple phrase has hundreds of meanings and realistically no one knows exactly which one you really mean. Many assume that you're physically tired and you need rest. Even though that may be true, you're mentally exhausted. That's not exactly what you meant. You're tired of having to convince you're own mind that everything is okay and that you deserve to be alive. You're tired of having to be okay all the time because society will just tell you to suck it up or stop acting like a bitch. You're tired of everyone saying the same shit such as, "Oh, it's gonna be okay.", "Man up", "Well it can't be that bad", or my favorite "It'll all work out eventually"...
With no way out or even a clue of how to defeat the beast within my mind. How do I go on? What's next? Will I ever be okay? Now I see why everyone leaves. If I can't figure my shit out why would anyone else want to try? What's the point of talking out the problems I cause myself because I'm fucked up? Who really gives a shit and why?
Till next time...
